being less honest and trying not to be mean.

i started this blog as an extension of my etsy store and now it's turned into an extension of my journal, which i never write in to begin with. i think writing in a journal is one of those things that i really always mean to do, but never actually start doing. somehow, writing in this blog is easier, though some would argue, less honest. (there's just something about knowing you've got an audience.)

bullet points of my life:

- we're moving in 2 weeks exactly. OH MY GOSH. nothing is packed.
- still hiding out from mean guy in the parking lot who yelled at me last week after i parked "wrong". constantly thinking about if he's planning to hit/call a tow truck on my car.
- thankful to have a job even if sometimes it drives me insane.

.....and i digressed from bullet points in my mind. so many times i compose sentences in my head, and i imagine how they'll come across to my readers, and in this case, i was going to write something scathingly mean. yes, it was meant for just one person in particular, and not one of my friends, so it's possible this person may never see it even if i wrote it. but the possibility still exists because this is the internet, so i can't write it. i can't convince myself to. BUT I WANT TO. i'm really struggling with hateful attitudes in this situation.

see, this is a situation where i should be using my private journal. yet, i'm not. probably because i'm lazy and my handwriting, previously so neat and pretty when i was in school, has now spiraled out of control and become nearly illegible. one day, when i'm a housewife, i'm going to get it back in shape.

ps. sometimes, when someone who is not really my friend acts like they think we're friends, i just want to say, "we aren't friends. go away." and that is how truly mean my heart is. only by the generosity of god do i have any friends at all. in fact, i'm pretty sure i've actually said this to someone before, maybe at college?

holding on.

sometimes, i feel like my whole life spirals down all at one time, and i should just give up on the american dream and plant a garden so i can eat.

i hate emo blog posts. like everyone has nothing better to do than read your sad, sad little story about how your life sucks. mine doesn't really suck. i know god will provide all the things i need. (of course, the internet will be the first to go, in the event of a financial disaster.) but right now, in this moment, i feel like rolling over and letting it wash over me, with no resistance.

i knew the economic downturn would affect me eventually. i had just hoped it would be further down the road, and not on the heels of a car accident, right before my wedding day. i had hoped to be able to blame someone far away, like president obama, or an oil embargo. but, as these things usually happen, i can't really blame anyone, and i won't try to. life is hard, and i really do believe that all we can do is hold on to those we love, and work our hardest to rise above our circumstances.

so, that's what i plan to do.