being less honest and trying not to be mean.

i started this blog as an extension of my etsy store and now it's turned into an extension of my journal, which i never write in to begin with. i think writing in a journal is one of those things that i really always mean to do, but never actually start doing. somehow, writing in this blog is easier, though some would argue, less honest. (there's just something about knowing you've got an audience.)

bullet points of my life:

- we're moving in 2 weeks exactly. OH MY GOSH. nothing is packed.
- still hiding out from mean guy in the parking lot who yelled at me last week after i parked "wrong". constantly thinking about if he's planning to hit/call a tow truck on my car.
- thankful to have a job even if sometimes it drives me insane.

.....and i digressed from bullet points in my mind. so many times i compose sentences in my head, and i imagine how they'll come across to my readers, and in this case, i was going to write something scathingly mean. yes, it was meant for just one person in particular, and not one of my friends, so it's possible this person may never see it even if i wrote it. but the possibility still exists because this is the internet, so i can't write it. i can't convince myself to. BUT I WANT TO. i'm really struggling with hateful attitudes in this situation.

see, this is a situation where i should be using my private journal. yet, i'm not. probably because i'm lazy and my handwriting, previously so neat and pretty when i was in school, has now spiraled out of control and become nearly illegible. one day, when i'm a housewife, i'm going to get it back in shape.

ps. sometimes, when someone who is not really my friend acts like they think we're friends, i just want to say, "we aren't friends. go away." and that is how truly mean my heart is. only by the generosity of god do i have any friends at all. in fact, i'm pretty sure i've actually said this to someone before, maybe at college?

wednesday, a day i could've slept more.

last night, i couldn't sleep very well at all, for two reasons:

1) the people who live above me enjoy dragging large objects across the floor and stomping around like rhinos, especially at 10:30 pm and 1:15 am.
2) i was thinking about how i can knit more often, and what i want to make.

combined, these two reasons meant that every time i calmed my mind down enough to drift off to sleep, the Loud People Upstairs began to frolick about. about the time they quieted down, i would be halfway to being able to quit my day job and make a living by selling my knitted goods. in my mind.

if only i could knit and make things for a living. i know i've said before that i wouldn't like to be my own boss, and i think running a business would be a pain... but i would like to make things all the time, and if i could make even just a little money from doing it, that would make me so happy. i love being a nanny, but there are some very stressful and exhausting parts of my job that sometimes are enough to make me want to give up, if i could. it's not like motherhood - there's no unbreakable bond, and you don't have the final say.

this has been a hard week, but - and as pathetic as this sounds - having some time to knit and just think about things has really helped me get by. don't misunderstand: i do like my job, and it's exactly what i wanted. i'm just really exhausted lately. my mama said something really wise to me yesterday: "lindsay," she said, "just remember that god sent you to this little girl to love her when her parents aren't around, so if you give up, who will love her?" then she said, "but leave your love at work. she's not yours, so just leave your love there."

so here's to everything having a place, and to letting things rest where they land.