maybe i'm going somewhere.

I DID IT.

now, unemployed, i sort of feel like i'm out of control, but i am just so relaxed about it. as mama described it today on the phone, "yeah, lindsay, on paper, you and andrew really look like you're in bad shape, you know, you just quit your high-paying job for nothing and andrew never finished college.... but i know you're just doing what god called you to do, and you're happy, so it's okay."

mama always has a way of saying things that almost comes off like an insult, but i know she really means what she says in the best way. she loves me.

i'm just learning so much right now, like how living comfortably just really doesn't mean shit. in fact, i am so much happier now that i'm drying all our clothes on our porch and thinking of ways to make beans and rice appetizing twice, maybe three times a week. it's amazing how obedience, something i once thought would enslave me to poverty, has set me free!

i was living in such a toxic environment in my work. being a nanny is a wonderful job, but the stress of working for the parents i worked for was just choking my spirit. i miss the baby already, but i know 2 things:

1. god called me out of that season of my life, after many months of begging on my part, and I CAME OUT WHEN HE CALLED!
2. he is a good god and he will take care of the baby better than i ever could.

i've been thinking a lot about what to do with this opportunity god gave me. i've come up with a few goals. number one. vacuum the house once a day. (overkill this is not. the people who lived here before were truly disgusting and the amount of dust is insane) number two. write more. in my journal. on this blog. on pieces of paper i find in my purse. i just want to remember that i am a creative person, and that my spirit was pressed, but I AM NOT CRUSHED!

anyway, the bottom line is that from the surface, my life looks like it is in shambles, but i feel victorious, because god is so so so good to me.

here is a picture from one of the happiest days of my life (i'm sure there are more happiest days to come, which is why i can't say THE HAPPIEST.... man sometimes i get too specific with thingsDARN. but you know, what about when i have babies? don't you think that will be right up there with when i married andrew? or when i get a puppy? HAHA.)

wednesday, a day i could've slept more.

last night, i couldn't sleep very well at all, for two reasons:

1) the people who live above me enjoy dragging large objects across the floor and stomping around like rhinos, especially at 10:30 pm and 1:15 am.
2) i was thinking about how i can knit more often, and what i want to make.

combined, these two reasons meant that every time i calmed my mind down enough to drift off to sleep, the Loud People Upstairs began to frolick about. about the time they quieted down, i would be halfway to being able to quit my day job and make a living by selling my knitted goods. in my mind.

if only i could knit and make things for a living. i know i've said before that i wouldn't like to be my own boss, and i think running a business would be a pain... but i would like to make things all the time, and if i could make even just a little money from doing it, that would make me so happy. i love being a nanny, but there are some very stressful and exhausting parts of my job that sometimes are enough to make me want to give up, if i could. it's not like motherhood - there's no unbreakable bond, and you don't have the final say.

this has been a hard week, but - and as pathetic as this sounds - having some time to knit and just think about things has really helped me get by. don't misunderstand: i do like my job, and it's exactly what i wanted. i'm just really exhausted lately. my mama said something really wise to me yesterday: "lindsay," she said, "just remember that god sent you to this little girl to love her when her parents aren't around, so if you give up, who will love her?" then she said, "but leave your love at work. she's not yours, so just leave your love there."

so here's to everything having a place, and to letting things rest where they land.