Saturday, January 30, 2010

entitlement and groceries.

today it's rainy and cold, and even though i know it's january, i'm still disappointed that the sun isn't shining and i can't wear sandals. this happens every year. as soon as christmas is over, and i've used all my gift cards, i say to myself and to the world, "OKAY, it's time for spring!" and i start hoping that if i want it bad enough, it will come early. like maybe in february. before valentine's day.

of course, it never comes until mid-march, or early april, and i realize that in most places, spring doesn't even both to show up until late april, so i should be grateful for a warm-ish march. i'm usually not. i feel entitled, like all the mountain brook mommies feel entitled to some "me-time" even though technically all of their time is "me-time."

i finished and sold my giant blanket, and now i'm almost finished with it's sister, Giant Blanket #2. I don't have any photos of the new one, but here is a photo of the one i sold.
i was surprised at how quickly it sold. a little sad to see it go, but mostly happy to be able to finance the purchase of more yarn. (my etsty store)

well, that's all. off to the grocery store. (does that seem weird to anyone else or is it just me? i grocery shop now? i must be really old like the crypt keeper. i'm grocery shopping and writing a blog that is primarily focused on knitting. oh. my. THERE IS A FRUIT FLY FLYING AROUND MY HEAD AND IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.)

hm. okay. just me.

Friday, January 15, 2010

smallness and cat blogs.

today, i clean sweeped the apartment. in doing so, i thought about relevance and this blog. i think this blog is really non-relevant, so in keeping with my usual tradition of announcing things that are really unnecessary to announce, i came straight here and told you so.

i'm holding myself back, though. i haven't told anyone about this place. it's like a secret place i go, when i want to pretend that i matter on the internet. that's okay.

i've been reading this book by Seth Godin, who writes about business, marketing, and the internet, among other things. he's witty and fun, and i like his book. i like his blog too. by the way. he's the one who told me that my blog is probably a "cat blog" - otherwise known as a blog that no one important reads, and it's really not making a difference to anyone. that's when i realized that i primarily read what he calls "cat blogs" (which is not to say, apparently, that everyone who writes these blogs is a cat woman... just most).

i don't have a cat.

anyway, my point is that i always get just a little irritated when people over-generalize about the little things in life. like my favorite cat blogs. i'm a cat blogger, and if you're reading this, you probably are too. i cleaned my apartment today, and got the mail, and knitted, and these were the highlights of my day. i didn't go viral on the internet, or make a big business deal where i made bazillions of money, and i like that. i'm small, and this is my small life.

here is a picture: (i'm not sure where my need to caption things that don't need a caption comes from)

Friday, January 8, 2010

relevance and old hags

i was thinking today, as i drove home from the mechanic, who is now richer than he was before, about relevance, and the difference between being single and being a couple. in college, there was all this discussion amongst the girls about how the girls with fiances or boyfriends or husbands just can't understand what it's like for a single girl in the world, and how they just aren't relevant to the conversation that's happening between all the single girls.

i think that's a load of crap.

maybe some girls choose not to remember or lend a sympathetic ear to the girls who don't have a man, but that doesn't mean that once you slip that wedding ring on, you just become an old hag, destined to discuss curtain colors and the differences between pampers and huggies with similar old hags who have lost their ability to shave.

(ironically, i'm sitting on my unmade bed, wearing a really non-sexy bathrobe/3 shirts/saggy sweatpants/pompom hat/slippers ensemble, having not shaved for at least a week. so remember: i am that hypocritical girl who thinks she's still relevant, but has all the appearances of having become an old hag already, after a month or so of marriage.)

i was listening to a taylor swift song today, and remembering how it feels to be in love with someone who doesn't even know you exist, and how that feeling is like ... the worst feeling in the world ... but also one of the most precious, because it's just so hopeful and hopeless at the same time, and it's an enigma, and after a while, you never feel it again. so that made me think that i do still know what it's like to be single, and i do know what it's like to be on your own.

i think the worst thing about all this thinking, though, is that i do know it, but i bet my single friends would never believe me, and now i'm out of the club because i'm married. just like i was out of the married club until now. i still identify with the single club more though, because the married people are all about children.... and i don't have children, or even want them at this point.

anyway, i say all this to say that i wish it wasn't about married or single. i've lived on my own, and it is lonely! i remember! but sometimes, even after marriage, even marriage to my best friend, the sort of marriage where i can't think of a single reason why i would want to go back, i'm still lonely sometimes. being married doesn't fix everything. i'm not sure loneliness is even something that can be fixed. the older i get, the more i think that being lonely is just a part of life. like maybe god gave us this feeling of being too alone because he wants us to be motivated to get up and do something. or get up and say a few words to him.

"hey, god. i miss you. i miss everyone. i feel kind of alone, and lost. thanks for andrew and for leah and for my family. i have a good life and i know you've always been right here, providing for me. thanks."