a few things.

1. if i ever had a fashion line based on my own styles, i would call it slobchic, and it would primarily revolve around the idea that wearing crocs with socks is fashionable AND comfortable. also, messy hair and white t-shirts.

2. i'm beginning to think that my recurring sinus infection/cold is not related to bacteria like my doctor says, but has more to do with my diet, which is 90% spaghetti-os and 10% vitamin c. (i take the vitamin c when i start to feel guilty over my consumption of many bowls of spaghetti-os. apparently, it has no effect in the war against mucus.)

3. i'm in mourning over the loss of my polly pockets, when i was 10 and my mom convinced me that i would never play with them again. i forgive you, mama, but i will never forget. polly is now giant sized and waaaay less fun.

i'm in christmas card jail.

i like christmas cards. i like mailing christmas cards.

but i'm sleepy.
and i still have a few more.
now i'm just whining.

self, you know there are sad people in the world with actual stuff to complain about!

HEY, GUESS WHAT? i got a night light.

yeah, worst blog post ever.

(in other news, i'm going to portland, oregon in one week to visit my brother!!! yay.)

shopping? completed. here's the list of all our loot: 1 pillow, to replace andrew's "flat-low", 1 pair of boots, 1 season of "friends" on dvd (my only true desire from this day), 1 argyle sweater for my husband, the only man under 40 who likes argyle sweaters except for those who also love other men, 1 dvd of "the dark knight", 1 multi-pack of black socks for my husband who wears out socks so fast that i often think of him as a goat, and, last, but certainly not least, 1 game of monopoly.

i am unashamed to admit that only 2 of these purchases were gifts for christmas. black friday is the perfect time to buy things like pillows and socks - things that we need, and are certainly not worthy of being wrapped and given as a gift. it's weird that they were on sale, though, since this is a gift-giving holiday sale. but whatever. it worked out that i didn't want any of the things that were big gift items... ie: a tv, a wii, an xbox, a camera, a gps, an ipad. all of those things were at the center of the madhouse. pillows and socks, however, were quiet corners of tranquility in the store.

also, they were 3 dollars.

anyway, my mother and i returned unscathed, with our bags of things, expecting to see my father sitting on the couch enjoying our 3 HD channels (brought to us by our convenient situation on a hill and an antenna), drinking a beer. instead, we found him sitting at the table, reading the book about facebook (by ben mezrich), waiting on windows 7 to install on my mother's laptop. i should've known it would take longer than 3 hours to complete that. in fact, it has consumed almost 8 hours of his time today.

WHY, WINDOWS?

i know that i'm a "mac-person" now, and thus, will never understand.... but isn't there an easier way? an easy button? a windows genius somewhere? my dad is good at computers and it's taken him all day. this is how i know i would never be able to succeed at installing windows. this is also how i know i will never even try.

thxgvng

thanksgiving is my favorite holiday ever!! i love how it is a holiday with no other purpose than for being thankful for what you have. usually, i'll make lists of things i'm thankful for, lists of things i want to do, lists lists lists.

tonight, though, i feel like i should just say that there is one thing i am really really thankful for:

knitting.
knitting has changed my life, and i am not being joking.

okay, i am.

no, not really.



OKAY OKAY it's a joke. (but i am reallyreallyreally thankful for knitting.)

anyway, since we all know i can't narrow it down to one, mostly because i feel obligated to say that the thing i'm most thankful for is jesus and his saving grace.... i'll just say that i am thankful for SO MUCH because god has blessed me in every way, and we'll move on.

so, BLACK FRIDAY. i'm looking to purchase another "friends" season for 9 dollars. last year, i got season 5. yeah, that's right, folks, i aim big with my black friday purchases. some people go for things like tvs, xboxes, fur coats... NOT ME. i shoot for the stars. anyway, my mom has decided that she has to go to one store at every mall in birmingham. she has very specific tastes, and i respect her for that, but for a person with about an hour-long endurance for shopping like she has.... this is gonna be rough. here's how i imagine this going: after conquering eddie bauer, and fighting the traffic to escape the clutches of the first mall, we realize that a savings of 5 dollars is really not worth it, even though our minds are like, "that's 5 dollars we could SAVE!!!" and then we call up my dad and he's all "i installed windows 7!!" and we're all "we r tired. comin home to eat pie." and then he says, "did you get some nike socks?" and we remember that we HAVE to go to another mall for the nike socks, so then we say, "AUWWWUUUUUU maaaaannnnnn .........nevermind see you in another 5 hours." as we turn on a ke$ha song (because that is just what this moment needs... the world's worst music, sung by america's most insane singer) and begin our pilgrimage to yet another shopping mecca.

why is the best holiday ever followed by the weirdest consumerism ever? stores are opening at 3 am this year. what up with that?

it's cold. i feel like doing only 3 things:

1. wearing pajamas.
2. drinking hot tea.
3. knitting. LOTS OF KNITTING.

i wish i had a fireplace. or at least a firey furnace like i use to have in our old, tiny apartment. i miss that furnace. the things i gave up for the allure of 2 giant bedrooms and less rent payments.....

i feel so cozy in my little apartment today, cup of tea nearby, knitting covering my feet, and the first blusters of winter outside the windows. nevermind the fact that i still haven't turned on the heat, and it's probably only about 55 outside. it's cloudy and cold, and that's winter.

i've been slowly but surely making myself comfortable in our new apartment, since we moved in april, and i feel like it's really becoming home now. photos and paintings are on the walls, there are enough chairs for everyone to sit in, i have a teapot on the stove, and an idea about where to put the christmas tree in a few weeks. i like it here, even if, truthfully, it's not a very nice apartment. haha! from the outside, our complex looks kind of like a dump. but on the inside, it's homey and i like it, and i think that's what really matters. i've never been a real appearance-driven sort of person, obviously.

anyway, just a little note to say that maybe birmingham could be a happy home for me someday soon, starting in the little corners of my apartment.

sometimes paralyzed.

two things i've thought about today:

1. all the lyrics to taylor swift's new songs. my obsession is approaching teen fan girl level.
2. making one of imaginary lives a reality. in case you aren't a member of my family (HAH! like people other than my mom read this..) and haven't heard, i have a number of alternate lives i'd like to live one day, if i ever stopped liking this life i have. it's such a hard decision because i really do like my current life, but i would also like to try out some other things, just for fun. for instance:
- living in a big city, with public transportation, in the center of it all. like nyc or portland oregon or seattle or even just atlanta. right in the city. having a job i could walk/ride a train to. of course, andrew hates cities.. so this is unlikely.
- living on a farm. andrew loves farms. this is possible, later in life, i believe.
- changing careers. maybe an esthetician (person who does skin care/facials, etc). maybe some other medical technologist. maybe one day i could own my own yarn shop. if i ever stopped living in a stupid place where people don't go to yarn shops.

i have a lot of aspirations, but i'm really often paralyzed by the realities of real life. bills, my husband's career, planning for the future of babies and a house and settling down. i've done the art school thing, so i know that being a professional artist is not my thing. but what about alllll these other options? i'm thinking i should at least try a few of them before i'm older and have children and serious things to think about it. a life of regret is not what i want. i don't want to be 50 and wishing i had tried a few more things when i was younger.

so here i go. to carpool to pick up my faux children. HAHA. i'm laughing at my own ironic situation.

MY FAVORITE!

first: I LOVE FALL. reasons:

1. fall air! the most crisp of all the airs!
2. call clothing! the most carefree of all the clothings! layers! if the first layer looks odd, just throw on a jacket and a scarf and looking instantly better!
3. KNITTING! fall knitting is the best, because at last, i am knitting something i might use the instant it is finished. hats! scarves! shawls! a blanket! HAHA!
4. many, many, many cups of tea.

you might notice i'm using lots of exclamation points. it's because i love fall. also, i'm trying to look on the bright side.

for the last .... 4 weeks, i've had the worst cold/flu/sinuswhatever and i've hated it! it's trying to ruin my fall season! today, though, i'm going to the doctor and he will give me some medicine and also a slap to the back of the head for not going to him sooner. whenever i get sick, i feel it is a competition between me and the sickness, and if i go to the doctor, i am admitting defeat. i hate to admit defeat, even to one-celled viral/bacterial organisms living inside my body. (or are they 2 or 3 cells? i have no idea how many cells. step one to becoming a better fighter in this competition... know my enemy. HM.)

anyway, we are coming up on november, which is my favorite month of the year for these reasons:

1. FALL!
2. perfect hair month! the one month in the year that my hair behaves exceptionally well.
3. my birthday! on a wednesday this year. excited for next year when it's on a thursday, because thursday is a great day of the week. actually, wednesday is okay too, but i like thursday better.
4. and now, most recently, our wedding anniversary! we have no extravagant plans.. in fact, no plans at all. we'll probably eat a nice dinner somewhere, and then come home. we are the life of the party, y'all!
5. THANKSGIVING, my favorite holiday! i love thanksgiving! it is the least commercialized of all the holidays, and it exists as a day to simply give thanks for all we have. i love that. there are no expectations placed on anyone on thanksgiving, except being thankful for our families, our homes, and all the blessings we have. in fact, this year, since my brother's move our to portland, we aren't even really having a big dinner. my parents are coming here and we're all going to eat chinese, haha! and then pumpkin pie, because i couldn't imagine a thanksgiving without pumpkin pie.

anyway, i've got laundry to do and a doctor's appointment to go to. i just wanted to write something here because anna inspired me.

.....and one week later, it is WINTER.

HMPH.

ke$ha and dental hygiene

my husband bought me the 120 box of crayons as a surprise last weekend, and i've been busy coloring all week. i started out with a page from a curious george coloring book that i'm not quite sure why i own, and now i'm working on an all out crayon piece of art. or at least, a picture that i'm drawing with only crayons and a pencil. whether or not it is art is something for another generation of art school students to deliberate about. i spent 4 years at art school wrestling with "what is art?" and graduated still uncertain, and i think that was my teachers' goal. HMPH.

anyway, it's fall here, FINALLY. i'm taking to my blog to echo the words of every other blogger east of the mississippi and say "THANK YOU LORD." meanwhile, the west coast bloggers are complaining about their ONE DAY of record heat. to them i have only this to say: welcome to every day of summer in alabama.

i've reached a sad truth in my head. i mean, i have decided that no one reads this blog. in fact, if i were you, i wouldn't read it either, HAH!

things you should probably doing instead of reading this:
1. brushing your teeth (me too. i think i have a cavity.)
2. eating a banana. (POTASSIUM, Y'ALL)
3. listening to any song by ke$ha. (Go. Now. srsly, that girl is wearing nasty boots in every one of her videos.)
4. picking out your clothes for tomorrow. (who does that? really, how old are you?)

so, go ahead and choose a couple of those to fill your time. i'll still be here talking to myself when you get back, because i've already done all those things, including choosing my clothes for tomorow while listening to all of ke$ha's "songs". yes, that's right, tomorrow, i will be making an appearance at the carpool line wearing boots i found in a trashcan at a public restroom and some denim from the early 90's.

platitudes i once believed.

once upon a time, i really thought i was over caring when adults act like high schoolers. i should be over that. i'm an adult too. i really shouldn't care when i'm the last person to find out that everyone's made plans.

oh, wait, why shouldn't i care?

so i'm running through the list of things my mom used to tell me when i was in high school and super unpopular because i had curly hair and was home schooled and bought clothes at the thrift store, among other things (let's not forget my obsession with stargate sg-1 and cats, of all things).

1. if they treat you like this, they obviously weren't your real friends anyway, so don't let it get to you.
2. you're better than this, so don't let it get to you.
3. that thing they forgot to invite you to was lame anyway, so don't let it get to you.
4. you've got big things ahead of you, missy, so don't let this get to you.
5. don't let it get to youblahblahblah.

somehow, as an adult, with a realistic self-image, these platitudes really don't comfort me in any way. let's run through them:

1. this one is probably true. they were never true friends anyway.
2. not true. i'm not better than anyone. i'm an awful person, so i'll go ahead and think maybe i deserve this for being awful.
3. this one's true. it is lame.
4. i think that the direction in which my life is heading probably proves that the biggest thing i've got ahead of me is a whole lot of hand knits and a couple of children. both of which are unrelated to this, so i fail to see how this applies.
5. it got to me already.

i think that there is a certain part of everyone that never stops being the person they were in high school. the pretty girls will always seem to get everything they want, although they'll be secretly unhappy and the dorky girls will always struggle with a debilitating need to fit in, mixed with a tragic inability to do so. as adults, we probably hide our high school selves pretty well, but i know my 16 year old self is still in there. i am still her. sometimes i still want to give up on making new friends because it's too risky. i have my 2 best friends, and that's enough. or so i tell myself.

anyway, i do care. i care that i'm the last to know. it hurt my feelings. but, now that i think about it, and how insignificant it is, i know i'll wake up tomorrow and move on. because i'm an adult, and i do have my 2 best friends, one of whom has stuck with me for more than half of our lives, and the other of whom has promised to spend the rest of his life with me.

so to everyone else, from my 16 year old self:

i'm still here, and i don't care if you notice me. i'm done being a hanger-on. i don't know why i even tried it. i hate going with the flow.

in which i find myself homeless

today i realized something: i'm only funny in small snippets, about the length of a twitter post. for a moment i thought about limiting my blog posts to that length and then i realized that's what twitter is for. HAH.

anyway, as usual, the cooler breezes put me into a thoughtful sort of mood and i've been thinking about jesus and church and my life. a few facts about right now:

- we are church homeless. sort of.

- i've been wandering around near jesus, but staying just far enough away so as to avoid actual growth. i think he would call that lukewarm and i ought to be cast into the fires of hell. um. hm. as i type this, i find myself imagining the agents of god's wrath (they look sort of like FBI agents) arriving at my doorstep with a notice that reads "you are hearby declared lukewarm and summoned for deportation to the FiresOfHell." of course i know that's not reality, and that god's grace abounds in my life, and he says my sin is as far away from me as the east is from the west, but i know in my heart that until this moment, i've been okay with my floating, and that i truly deserve to be deported.

- such a realization really makes all my other issues i have with finding a church and dealing with the dissolution of our old one pale in comparison. (although truthfully, i think i have very few issues with finding a new church, since that's something i've done about every 4 years for my whole life... my issues really lie in what happened at our old church)

that's about it.

1. yesterday was andrew's birthday. he worked.
2. today he worked, too, but then we ate pf changs. A LOT.
3. today i bought 2 cashmere sweaters for 8 dollars and i am in love.
4. i spent most of the day "checking" on them. (i held them up to my face and smiled stupidly while rubbing them all over my face. i would like to meet a cashmere sheep, so i could cuddle with it and bury my face in its fluffy bosom.)
5. today is andrew's birthday, for all intents and purposes, so i must be off to pay him the attention he deserves.

me and my loves.

things i've really liked lately, in no order:

- plain yogurt with strawberries.
- ryan seacrest (i probably confess my love for him once a day. in a completely friend like way.... like, "pleeeeaaaze be my best friend!")
- trains. DUH. (it's my dream to go on a train vacation all over america with andrew, my family, and ryan seacrest and possibly his radio show too)
- watching every episode of stargate sg-1 with andrew (because atlantis and universe are SOO not awesome.)
- phillip defranco's puppies.
- chris harrison and bachelor pad. (HAHAHA!!! also, chris harrison and ryan seacrest are bffs.)
- slothing around on my last day before returning to work. (tomorrow, yay! paying bills, yay!)

ANNND
the baby sweater.

oh, cool. armpit shot.


i've only finished one sleeve, and i've yet to tie off the ends, but I CAN TELL IT WILL BE CUTE.

sometimes i compare myself to others, and i get caught thinking i'm better than them in life,and i convince myself that things are okay because i'm better than so-and-so, who is so stupid and it's all her fault, blahblahblah. but, here's the thing: sometimes, things don't go my way, and i have to remember that even though it seems like my enemies are getting everything they want, and i'm losing everything, really, god is in control, and he is full of justice, and i'm no better than anyone else, and also, it's not a competition, and there's not really winning and losing.

so to god be all the glory and may i be as nothing.

i was going to type something long and stupid. then i typed it. then i read it and thought about it and realized that i'm a huge, ungrateful jerk.

so i erased it.

but you should all know: i'm an ungrateful jerk.

part of it was about how much i don't like alabama. that part, i feel, is still relevant.

a lot of things in my life have been transitioning lately. there's the move to alabama from georgia (still convinced that georgia is a superior state, even after a year here. what can i say... i'm a snob). then there's my wedding and subsequent marriage. (which is wonderful, but still a change) not to mention my brother growing up along with me and the hard transition of being his big sister through that. oh, and my job situation.

the truth is just that things have been changing in my life for at least a year. so, this most recent change, while it came as a little shock, really isn't unusual.

our church is ending, and we are all moving on from the ashes of what i am sure used to be a vibrant community, though to me, it was a simple blessing from god in the form of friendships in a place i didn't really want to live. i mean, that was an issue by itself, because i know god called me to move here and be with andrew, but let's be honest, once i got here, i whined. through all that whininess, i did have the hope of new friendships to look forward to, and while i wish i could say that it cured my whining, it didn't. haha, i kept whining, but those friendships are wonderful, and i can at least say that i don't hate it here anymore. (georgia is still better... i will go to my grave believing in its superiority!)

anyway, things are changing, and while change is sometimes something i don't relish, i think that the changes in my life right now are good. i know that the lord is good, and that there is a season for everything, and the season for our little church was ending when we came to it, so i feel blessed to have walked there for a little while.

out of desperation and an attempt to enjoy some water in this oppressive heat, andrew and i went to the creek and walked around. we would've gone to the swimming pool, but it's closed. again. i think our apartment's swimming pool has been open a total of 3 weeks this summer. but, what can i say, our apartment complex got a review of 17% satisfaction on apartmentratings.com. that is astoundingly bad. anyway, i still like it here, despite all the complaining others do, and the fact that i didn't have doorknobs or kitchen drawers for about 2 months after we moved in. haha! always an adventure.

we had fun in the stream. it was an all out alabama adventure. HA HA! no, really. i liked it.

i went to the beach at panama city with amy and ashley, two of my favorite college friends and it was awesome. drove through the back roads of alabama and saw the sights. wish i had pictures of some of the rich culture here in the great state of alabama, beginning with a sign on the interstate that said:

Go To Church Or
THE DEVIL WILL GET YOU!!

.....and ending with a brewthru in panama city beach. yes, you heard me, a brewthru. that's a drive thru liquor store.

anyway, those were hardly the highlights of the trip, because the beach was so great. but i mostly just did nothing and knitted. the hotel was wonderful, although we did have some jokes about the huge amount of feathers floating in the the pool, in addition to a few empty cans of natural light, the world's most disgusting beer.

so, now i'm home, embattled in a war against energy loss in my apartment. i think i am winning this week, but there's no telling. i've been sewing a lot, with my new-to-me sewing machine, which i got at a yard sale for $5.

yes, it is a singer sewing machine. in perfect working order. just needed some oil and grease. i was really beside myself with glee when i bought it. i'm pretty sure andrew had to hold me down just so i didn't float away on a cloud of my own joy.

well, until another day, when i get around to blogging again. (because, let's face it, blogging isn't a serious hobby of mine.)

better than the real thing.

just realized i tagged "reative energy" in my last post. not sure what that means, but what i meant was "creative energy". i am feeling pretty reative lately though. bet you wish you were as reative as me.

i've been toying with this idea i have of making a blog where i say all the things i think, with not much of a filter as far as content goes, but i think that could quickly spiral out of control as far my learning how not to shove my foot in my throat. in other words, i think i would soon begin to become my online persona that says things with no regard to others feelings, and i think that's bad.

however, i like the idea of having a blog where my identity is obscured and i can say things with no regard to who reads them. which, of course, means that if you wanted to read this new blog i make, you'd have to happen to stumble upon it, because i won't post it here.

but since i'm thinking of leaving you with no return address, i hope you'll console yourselves with THIS. just close your eyes and think about how much better these guys are than the real thing.

maybe i'm going somewhere.

I DID IT.

now, unemployed, i sort of feel like i'm out of control, but i am just so relaxed about it. as mama described it today on the phone, "yeah, lindsay, on paper, you and andrew really look like you're in bad shape, you know, you just quit your high-paying job for nothing and andrew never finished college.... but i know you're just doing what god called you to do, and you're happy, so it's okay."

mama always has a way of saying things that almost comes off like an insult, but i know she really means what she says in the best way. she loves me.

i'm just learning so much right now, like how living comfortably just really doesn't mean shit. in fact, i am so much happier now that i'm drying all our clothes on our porch and thinking of ways to make beans and rice appetizing twice, maybe three times a week. it's amazing how obedience, something i once thought would enslave me to poverty, has set me free!

i was living in such a toxic environment in my work. being a nanny is a wonderful job, but the stress of working for the parents i worked for was just choking my spirit. i miss the baby already, but i know 2 things:

1. god called me out of that season of my life, after many months of begging on my part, and I CAME OUT WHEN HE CALLED!
2. he is a good god and he will take care of the baby better than i ever could.

i've been thinking a lot about what to do with this opportunity god gave me. i've come up with a few goals. number one. vacuum the house once a day. (overkill this is not. the people who lived here before were truly disgusting and the amount of dust is insane) number two. write more. in my journal. on this blog. on pieces of paper i find in my purse. i just want to remember that i am a creative person, and that my spirit was pressed, but I AM NOT CRUSHED!

anyway, the bottom line is that from the surface, my life looks like it is in shambles, but i feel victorious, because god is so so so good to me.

here is a picture from one of the happiest days of my life (i'm sure there are more happiest days to come, which is why i can't say THE HAPPIEST.... man sometimes i get too specific with thingsDARN. but you know, what about when i have babies? don't you think that will be right up there with when i married andrew? or when i get a puppy? HAHA.)

possibly inappropriate.

well, 2 days ago, i turned in my resignation from my job.

now, you may be thinking, "lindsay, WHY? you had a great job and the job market sucks! how stupid are you??" well, i'm pretty stupid sometimes, but this is not one of those times. here's how i know. i was praying about quitting, for like... months (very long story, probably inappropriate for the world wide web.) and then, i reached a turning point, and god just said, "i will provide. trust me." so, i took the plunge. into unemployment.

scary, right?

well, yes.

but, god is faithful! and i am learning how great it is to trust him, because... he does provide! if i hadn't trusted him to provide for us, i would still be back there, wondering if i was ever going to have a different job, instead of here, where i am, looking at the possibilities for my future and being so excited about all the things i can choose to do. it eventually came down to this choice: "lindsay, you can either keep working there because you think you can't leave for whatever reason (money, job security, etc) or you can leave, be happy, and trust me to provide for you."

after some days (okay weeks) of wrestling with that, i came to the point where i felt like there really was no choice. it was trust god, or nothing. i always have had to be that girl to wait until i'm pushed into a corner before i'll trust someone. it's a problem. good thing god has never-ending grace he gives me even though i'm all, "HAHAHAHAHA I CAN DO IT MYSELF!!!" and he's all, "oh man, here we go again."

anyway, god is good, and instead of oozing down into a tunnel of depression, i am actually really excited to see what happens next. i have no idea what will happen, and maybe 3 weeks from now i'm gonna be panicking, but right now, god's power and peace are just overwhelming me. he is good!

i like trains. what of it.

soooo, we got our wedding pictures.

but, that's not what i want to talk about. the topic on my mind lately is this: TRAINS. that's right. trains. ever since the tender age of 7, when i had my first taste of MARTA, riding to the braves game in atlanta, i have loved riding trains. however, living where i do ("what's trains? WE GOT NASCAR!!") i don't often (read: ever) get to ride a train. for example, when we went on our last family vacation, i forced my dad to, first, ride Space Mountain 3 times, and then, ride the monorail all the way around disney world.

anyway, my family and all my friends are like, "lindsay, i know you're eccentric, but talking about trains is really pushing the limit. at least pretend to be relevant."

BUT THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW RELEVANT I AM. yes, all caps was necessary for that.

i've been reading this book about the future of passenger rail in america ("waiting on a train" by james mccommons), and i have been fascinated! america used to be the world leader in railway systems, and now, thanks to our over-reliance on cars and trucks, our rails are deteriorating and pathetic. as a consequence, the highway systems are growing too crowded and in many areas cannot be further expanded. having an efficient and modern passenger rail system would alleviate that stress on the highways and also give americans an alternative to flying or driving.

i just think that riding a train somewhere would be so much more preferable to driving. you can just sit and watch out the window and let someone else drive, also without the hassle of flying and airports. if there was more than one train per day to atlanta, i would totally take the train home instead of driving. but, there's only one per day and it leaves at 2:30 pm, which is a completely inconvenient time.

so, i say all this to say that trains will be relevant, i hope, in the near future, because more and more people will recognize how great it would be to not have to drive everywhere. i have grand schemes for riding trains, you know.

a few things

1. we successfully moved into our new apartment. in fact, i feel it was the most successful moving day ever, since my parents and andrew's parents came to help. we ended the festivities with pizza, dragonball Z (on the only channel we can get on our tv, lolz), and a dramatic poetry reading.

2. andrew got promoted at work, and is now a big, bad supervisor. HAHA! that is a happy, triumphant haha, not a "haha i am laughing at you," haha.

3. in one of my less wonderful moments, i poured water all over my computer and then let it sit in a puddle for over an hour, so it broke. obviously. electronic parts don't take to swimming in a pool of my leaky water bottle's making. andrew, being the kind and benevolent husband that he is, bought me a new computer. i'm typing on it. feeling guilty with each keystroke.

4. i'm having a major desire to sit and knit for a few hours, and i have about 20 projects i want to start, but i've been working on 2 blankets for the last month/months and i need to finish them before beginning something new. sigh.

5. a while back, i learned about god's mercy, when i found myself at the end of a conversation, having said only graceful and wise words. shortly after it ended, however, i was filled with RAGE!! god's mercy, while bottomless and bountiful, is apparently only given to me in situations where he knows i can't control myself, and that i absolutely need to. it was really miraculous, and i have been thanking him for it ever since. i think the level of rage that filled me afterward is a testimony to how that conversation could have gone, had god not been there in a miraculous way. since then, i've been asking for self-control and mercy.

the end.

yes, i know the words are backwards, but as you can see, i've once again forsaken my wonderful, professional camera for my isight. i'm lazy.


so this is what we did today. getting excited to move. we'll have rooms!! let me count the rooms. dining room. kitchen. bedroom. ANOTHER BEDROOM. bathroom. living room. PATIO!! we are still giddy over it. moving day is next saturday.


after that, we sat on our bed/dinner table/couch/coffee table. (THE JOYS OF ONE ROOM LIVING!) and watched the entire first season of "friends". and at chees-its.


that's me. and that's andrew. gosh, my hair. <--- my thought before i fixed it. after my genius editing, now i'm thinking, i'm looking FABULOUS!!! i have to admit, i was very inspired by this blog: hyperbole and a half. she is hah-larious.

FEET.

you know what i hate in the summer? and maybe this is just me, but geezlouise, my feet get soooo clammy. the rest of my body might be toasty warm, and then there's my feet just chillin down there all cold and clammy like it's nobody's business. like that's how it ought to be! hmph.

anyway, boxes are in piles everywhere around and andrew's in the shower, which still refuses to drain more than one inch of water per hour, so we're really looking forward to the move.

that's all.

being less honest and trying not to be mean.

i started this blog as an extension of my etsy store and now it's turned into an extension of my journal, which i never write in to begin with. i think writing in a journal is one of those things that i really always mean to do, but never actually start doing. somehow, writing in this blog is easier, though some would argue, less honest. (there's just something about knowing you've got an audience.)

bullet points of my life:

- we're moving in 2 weeks exactly. OH MY GOSH. nothing is packed.
- still hiding out from mean guy in the parking lot who yelled at me last week after i parked "wrong". constantly thinking about if he's planning to hit/call a tow truck on my car.
- thankful to have a job even if sometimes it drives me insane.

.....and i digressed from bullet points in my mind. so many times i compose sentences in my head, and i imagine how they'll come across to my readers, and in this case, i was going to write something scathingly mean. yes, it was meant for just one person in particular, and not one of my friends, so it's possible this person may never see it even if i wrote it. but the possibility still exists because this is the internet, so i can't write it. i can't convince myself to. BUT I WANT TO. i'm really struggling with hateful attitudes in this situation.

see, this is a situation where i should be using my private journal. yet, i'm not. probably because i'm lazy and my handwriting, previously so neat and pretty when i was in school, has now spiraled out of control and become nearly illegible. one day, when i'm a housewife, i'm going to get it back in shape.

ps. sometimes, when someone who is not really my friend acts like they think we're friends, i just want to say, "we aren't friends. go away." and that is how truly mean my heart is. only by the generosity of god do i have any friends at all. in fact, i'm pretty sure i've actually said this to someone before, maybe at college?

wishing for a wall to pin some photos to.

some things i've thought about recently:

1) i miss taking pictures of things that i think are beautiful, and i miss discussing these pictures with other people who have different ideas about beauty. i should take pictures again, so i don't miss it anymore.
2) people can get really worked up over something as trivial as a parking spot. really, world? REALLY?

AND

3) the only appropriate uses of the expression "mmmmm" is about food and sex. and if you're not talking about food and you use this expression, everyone is assuming that you're trying to charge your words with sexual energy. example: "mmmmm crayons...." or "mmmmm i love watching bill o'reilly...."

that's really all for me today, as far as words go. here's some pictures from this evening.





ps. i hope everyone has noticed that i didn't once mention knitting in this entire post. except for now, but this doesn't count, because it's a ps.

nobody wants to eat, and i promise i own a camera.

1. lady gaga. she goes out of her way to be weird, and i'm not sure i consider it art. however, i still laugh out loud (i still always contemplate just typing "lol" hm) every time i hear "bad romance" because of this. i'm not sure what that says about me. probably that i don't have children yet and haven't reached the point where saying "bad words" is offensive.

2. yesterday, while i was at the grocery store, i was thinking about where i was a year ago, and how much my life has changed. this time last year, i was at college, planning my final art show, frantically developing photos, spending every night in the dark room or the mac lab. i lived with one of my best friends, i worked a few jobs, and i had a whole life in that little town. my teachers all encouraged me to go somewhere with my art - get noticed and become an artist. now that i've had a year to step back and look at art in my life, i realize that enjoy making art for classes, and for gifts, but i really don't enjoy art for its own sake. sometimes i miss making things that speak for themselves to the glory of god, but now i'm thinking that maybe i still do make those things - just on a smaller scale.

maybe not. that's a question: can knitted blankets and scarves be for the glory of god, or are they just a piece of fabric that took way too long to make?

whenever i miss making art, though, i very quickly remember that i don't have the tools anymore, since i left college. the tools are expensive and i'll probably never have them again. so, i'll have to make different art. because it's true, i have to make something.

3. vacuum cleaners. i got a new vacuum cleaner, and i honestly vacuumed our one rug for 10 minutes yesterday, out of sheer joy. it works so well! we're moving to an apartment with carpet, so our previous vacuum that just usually blew dirt around the room was not going to cut it. we got a kenmore canister vacuum - you know, the kind where you have to drag the vacuum around behind you like a disobedient dog on a leash? it's the kind my mom had (and my bff leah's mom) and we kids always hated it and begged for an upright, but looking back, my mother has had 2 vacuums in her entire life, and they've both been these kind. so i decided that i didn't want to buy a new vacuum 2 years from now, so i'd go for the errant dog style one.

4. maybe i'm not a domestic failure.

5. i started making my little clutches to sell on etsy. they're super stylish and fun. i hope they sell.

yeah, i know, i do own a real camera. but let's be honest: i have no real photo editing software, and this is just easier. it's 6 steps faster.

this turned out to be a complete waste of time.

i know i was a photography major in college, and there's never an excuse for using my photobooth camera when i could use my good camera, but sometimes my laziness overwhelms me. this is version 3.0 of my spring baby blanket. it's pretty much my favorite, and i'm starting to wonder if i'll ever knit a different baby blanket.

i tried to write something thoughtful, but right next to me, andrew and laura are having a yelling conversation with sue on the speaker phone, so that turned out to be a failure, and now i can't type anything.

this day just gets more and more ridiculous.

so much yarn, as usual.

my brother came to visit and i have three things to say (or at least, i think i do, but we'll see how many i end up with):

1) that photo is a shot of daniel and andrew playing farmville together, in a family tradition of one person playing a computer game and another person watching. yes, it's a real tradition.

2) we visited a birmingham icon today, and i always marvel at the majesty of the exposed cheeks. (search vulcan, birmingham alabama on google images, and see what i mean.)

3) we just saw "up in the air", and despite my political differences with george clooney, i remain a strong believer in his ability to carry a movie. just his hair might be enough for me. but seriously, the movie was a bit depressing, but unlike most depressing movies, it ends with a hopeful air, and that's what i liked about it, because that's life. hope never dies, even when you wake up and realize you've been doing it wrong all this time.

well, that's all for now. i bought so much yarn today, and i love that my etsy store financed all of it.

ohhhh myyyyy whatttttttt.

this just happened.

our baby. fig tree.

we think that our fig tree is sprouting figs, no thanks to us. ISN'T THAT COOL? i mean, look at the poor thing. it looks so sad and spindly, thanks to almost no sun and the occasional waterless month. (i've apologized to god for this oversight) yet, despite poor conditions, there are 4 fig-looking little blobs growing on its sad little branches!

MIRACLE!

flying fruit and my yarn obsession.

for the last couple of weeks, i've missed all kinds of fun due to a variety of symptoms and sicknesses - as my grandmother used to say in virginia, "you're just so sweet, all the bugs want to bite you!" though i do now question the truth of that statement, it's still a nicer way of looking at things.

so, tonight, when my husband went out and i stayed in, i decided to do some fun things despite being told very sternly TO REST.

first, because i've been craving strawberry shortcake So Much, even though strawberries are so far out of season it's not even funny, and i realize how un-environmental and un-natural and completely un-granola and un-cool and just probably un-responsible it is of me, i bought a box of strawberries. then i (oh, please try to ignore that huge run-on sentence!) came home and made some biscuits and ... I Ate My Strawberry Shortcake. and i liked it a lot. Amanda Soule might judge me for my crime against the natural order of the earth.

i sure am glad i've never cared if someone judged me.

anyway, there's that. i've always aspired to be really natural and laid-back and earth-friendly, though not overly obsessed, and i think there just comes a time when it's okay to accept that airplanes can fly fruit across the world so i can eat it. for a price. haha.

then, i thought it would be a great idea to try for the third time to knit a lace scarf. here's how that's going.let me just restate: this is my third attempt. it's actually a fifth attempt to make a scarf with this yarn. it's like i can't visualize what i want from the yarn, so i keep tearing it out. maybe by the time i settle on something, i can have the WHOLE skein of yarn all tangled up like just half of it is now. that's my goal.

sometimes, i let the yarn and the knitting really get to me. my third giant cable blanket is sitting in the corner all sad like. i should finish it so i can sell it and buy more yarn.

as one final thought: i've been having the worst cracked skin on my fingertips due to a chemical burn 4 months ago (a silver polishing accident) and the constant handwashing involved in my job, plus the cold weather, and i'm just wondering if there is some cream that will actually help heal my finger pads? i've tried just healing lotion for extra dry skin, but i suspect that my problem goes beyond simple extra dry skin, considering that my fingertips occasionally crack open and start bleeding in the cold winter air. i'm laughing now, but as that i type that, it sounds moderately pathetic... and old. I Might Be Old Now.

well, goodnight.

ps. when i try to type the word "obsession", i always try to spell it, "obsessiong" HAHA.

sparrows and snow days and my family emergency.

i had a breakdown of huge proportions the other day. it was at night, so of course, the next morning, i woke up looking like a family emergency had happened to me (basically, i looked like someone took my face, turned it into old playdough, and then put in the microwave for a few minutes). thankfully, it was a snow day; god's gift to me, on one of the worse days in my life. it's not like anything truly terrible happened to me, i had just sobbed for an hour or so the night before, wiping my snotty nose on my loving husband's shirt, and trying not to get too hysterical. i was sobbing because i was coming to the realization that i had walked so far from god, and had just sat down on a lonely street corner, refusing to look for a way back home.

it was a self-imposed misery. it was brought on by laziness, selfishness, stupidity, and bad time-management. or, as could be summed up so succinctly by jesus: "oh you of little faith! why did you doubt?" i have this verse written on a post-it note beside my bed, so i see it every day, and yet, it is a concept that always escapes me, every few years.

a lot of times, i find myself sitting in church thinking to myself, "i wonder if they know i'm an imposter." and, shamefully, "what am i doing here? what is the point of all this?" i know it's not a waste of time, but i'm just not sure why not.

i am a woman of little faith. sometimes, i don't remember why i am a christian. i go through my life not acknowledging god's work in me - god's work in everything around me! that is my confession to you. i struggled to admit it to myself, but once i did, i realized that i had to go public with it, because it's not real till other people know. i can always pretend it never happened if no one else ever knew.

life for me right now is not the future i imagined for myself when i was still in college. things turned out differently, and while i do love some things about how things are, i am struggling to accept the things that i wish were different. being at this point in my life has forced me to realize that i really can't handle things without god's help, though. here's a short list of things i love about my life, because making lists helps me cope.

- andrew, my loving husband
- leah, my best friend since we were 11.
- my parents
- my cute, tiny apartment, with the wall of windows
- knitting, and teaching others how to knit
- making new friends in my new home.

i don't know what i'm doing with myself. i feel so weird about this whole thing because i've been a christian for so long, but i just feel like i'm back at square one. i don't know a damn thing. fasting? what's that? praying? oh, i do that sometimes when i'm about to cry.

but, you know, the truth of the matter is that i do know, deep down inside of me, that all hope is not lost. i have to dig real deep in there, but i can find it, and when i do find it, i know things will be okay. i'm not a lost cause, and i do know what jesus said about how he leads his people. "i will never leave you.... as the father knows when a sparrow falls, how much more do you think he watches over you, his children?"

so, where, from here?

so many things, but really nothing.

new blanket on etsy now. here is a picture.

i'm always in love with my blankets because they're so cozy, and andrew always swears he's going to hide them so i can't sell them.... but we both know that if i don't sell it on etsy, i'll find a store around here to sell it to, or consign it, or something. all so i can go buy more yarn and make another one. haha. it's always about the yarn.

today, andrew and i walked up a huge hill, taking turns pushing the stroller with my nanny baby in it, and now my legs are a combination of "OH NO WE ARE ON STRIKE" and "WE HUUUURRRTTT!! give us a stretch. plz."

i just finished watching the bachelor, too, and i wish i could be friends with gia. i bet she has a dorky blog like this one somewhere. i know she's a swimsuit model, but in my mind, she's the sort of girl i would be friends with, like she used to wear glasses and be super dorky, and then somehow, like a miracle, she grew up super pretty and fun.

anyway, that's all. i used to have hair like gia until i cut it off, and now i miss it a little, but i console myself with the thought that my hair is now a wig for a child with cancer, so then i feel a little better. actually, ever since i did that, i now evaluate people by how many inches of hair they could cut off and send to locks of love.

entitlement and groceries.

today it's rainy and cold, and even though i know it's january, i'm still disappointed that the sun isn't shining and i can't wear sandals. this happens every year. as soon as christmas is over, and i've used all my gift cards, i say to myself and to the world, "OKAY, it's time for spring!" and i start hoping that if i want it bad enough, it will come early. like maybe in february. before valentine's day.

of course, it never comes until mid-march, or early april, and i realize that in most places, spring doesn't even both to show up until late april, so i should be grateful for a warm-ish march. i'm usually not. i feel entitled, like all the mountain brook mommies feel entitled to some "me-time" even though technically all of their time is "me-time."

i finished and sold my giant blanket, and now i'm almost finished with it's sister, Giant Blanket #2. I don't have any photos of the new one, but here is a photo of the one i sold.
i was surprised at how quickly it sold. a little sad to see it go, but mostly happy to be able to finance the purchase of more yarn. (my etsty store)

well, that's all. off to the grocery store. (does that seem weird to anyone else or is it just me? i grocery shop now? i must be really old like the crypt keeper. i'm grocery shopping and writing a blog that is primarily focused on knitting. oh. my. THERE IS A FRUIT FLY FLYING AROUND MY HEAD AND IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.)

hm. okay. just me.

smallness and cat blogs.

today, i clean sweeped the apartment. in doing so, i thought about relevance and this blog. i think this blog is really non-relevant, so in keeping with my usual tradition of announcing things that are really unnecessary to announce, i came straight here and told you so.

i'm holding myself back, though. i haven't told anyone about this place. it's like a secret place i go, when i want to pretend that i matter on the internet. that's okay.

i've been reading this book by Seth Godin, who writes about business, marketing, and the internet, among other things. he's witty and fun, and i like his book. i like his blog too. by the way. he's the one who told me that my blog is probably a "cat blog" - otherwise known as a blog that no one important reads, and it's really not making a difference to anyone. that's when i realized that i primarily read what he calls "cat blogs" (which is not to say, apparently, that everyone who writes these blogs is a cat woman... just most).

i don't have a cat.

anyway, my point is that i always get just a little irritated when people over-generalize about the little things in life. like my favorite cat blogs. i'm a cat blogger, and if you're reading this, you probably are too. i cleaned my apartment today, and got the mail, and knitted, and these were the highlights of my day. i didn't go viral on the internet, or make a big business deal where i made bazillions of money, and i like that. i'm small, and this is my small life.

here is a picture: (i'm not sure where my need to caption things that don't need a caption comes from)

relevance and old hags

i was thinking today, as i drove home from the mechanic, who is now richer than he was before, about relevance, and the difference between being single and being a couple. in college, there was all this discussion amongst the girls about how the girls with fiances or boyfriends or husbands just can't understand what it's like for a single girl in the world, and how they just aren't relevant to the conversation that's happening between all the single girls.

i think that's a load of crap.

maybe some girls choose not to remember or lend a sympathetic ear to the girls who don't have a man, but that doesn't mean that once you slip that wedding ring on, you just become an old hag, destined to discuss curtain colors and the differences between pampers and huggies with similar old hags who have lost their ability to shave.

(ironically, i'm sitting on my unmade bed, wearing a really non-sexy bathrobe/3 shirts/saggy sweatpants/pompom hat/slippers ensemble, having not shaved for at least a week. so remember: i am that hypocritical girl who thinks she's still relevant, but has all the appearances of having become an old hag already, after a month or so of marriage.)

i was listening to a taylor swift song today, and remembering how it feels to be in love with someone who doesn't even know you exist, and how that feeling is like ... the worst feeling in the world ... but also one of the most precious, because it's just so hopeful and hopeless at the same time, and it's an enigma, and after a while, you never feel it again. so that made me think that i do still know what it's like to be single, and i do know what it's like to be on your own.

i think the worst thing about all this thinking, though, is that i do know it, but i bet my single friends would never believe me, and now i'm out of the club because i'm married. just like i was out of the married club until now. i still identify with the single club more though, because the married people are all about children.... and i don't have children, or even want them at this point.

anyway, i say all this to say that i wish it wasn't about married or single. i've lived on my own, and it is lonely! i remember! but sometimes, even after marriage, even marriage to my best friend, the sort of marriage where i can't think of a single reason why i would want to go back, i'm still lonely sometimes. being married doesn't fix everything. i'm not sure loneliness is even something that can be fixed. the older i get, the more i think that being lonely is just a part of life. like maybe god gave us this feeling of being too alone because he wants us to be motivated to get up and do something. or get up and say a few words to him.

"hey, god. i miss you. i miss everyone. i feel kind of alone, and lost. thanks for andrew and for leah and for my family. i have a good life and i know you've always been right here, providing for me. thanks."