Monday, September 27, 2010

platitudes i once believed.

once upon a time, i really thought i was over caring when adults act like high schoolers. i should be over that. i'm an adult too. i really shouldn't care when i'm the last person to find out that everyone's made plans.

oh, wait, why shouldn't i care?

so i'm running through the list of things my mom used to tell me when i was in high school and super unpopular because i had curly hair and was home schooled and bought clothes at the thrift store, among other things (let's not forget my obsession with stargate sg-1 and cats, of all things).

1. if they treat you like this, they obviously weren't your real friends anyway, so don't let it get to you.
2. you're better than this, so don't let it get to you.
3. that thing they forgot to invite you to was lame anyway, so don't let it get to you.
4. you've got big things ahead of you, missy, so don't let this get to you.
5. don't let it get to youblahblahblah.

somehow, as an adult, with a realistic self-image, these platitudes really don't comfort me in any way. let's run through them:

1. this one is probably true. they were never true friends anyway.
2. not true. i'm not better than anyone. i'm an awful person, so i'll go ahead and think maybe i deserve this for being awful.
3. this one's true. it is lame.
4. i think that the direction in which my life is heading probably proves that the biggest thing i've got ahead of me is a whole lot of hand knits and a couple of children. both of which are unrelated to this, so i fail to see how this applies.
5. it got to me already.

i think that there is a certain part of everyone that never stops being the person they were in high school. the pretty girls will always seem to get everything they want, although they'll be secretly unhappy and the dorky girls will always struggle with a debilitating need to fit in, mixed with a tragic inability to do so. as adults, we probably hide our high school selves pretty well, but i know my 16 year old self is still in there. i am still her. sometimes i still want to give up on making new friends because it's too risky. i have my 2 best friends, and that's enough. or so i tell myself.

anyway, i do care. i care that i'm the last to know. it hurt my feelings. but, now that i think about it, and how insignificant it is, i know i'll wake up tomorrow and move on. because i'm an adult, and i do have my 2 best friends, one of whom has stuck with me for more than half of our lives, and the other of whom has promised to spend the rest of his life with me.

so to everyone else, from my 16 year old self:

i'm still here, and i don't care if you notice me. i'm done being a hanger-on. i don't know why i even tried it. i hate going with the flow.

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