holding on.

sometimes, i feel like my whole life spirals down all at one time, and i should just give up on the american dream and plant a garden so i can eat.

i hate emo blog posts. like everyone has nothing better to do than read your sad, sad little story about how your life sucks. mine doesn't really suck. i know god will provide all the things i need. (of course, the internet will be the first to go, in the event of a financial disaster.) but right now, in this moment, i feel like rolling over and letting it wash over me, with no resistance.

i knew the economic downturn would affect me eventually. i had just hoped it would be further down the road, and not on the heels of a car accident, right before my wedding day. i had hoped to be able to blame someone far away, like president obama, or an oil embargo. but, as these things usually happen, i can't really blame anyone, and i won't try to. life is hard, and i really do believe that all we can do is hold on to those we love, and work our hardest to rise above our circumstances.

so, that's what i plan to do.

wednesday, a day i could've slept more.

last night, i couldn't sleep very well at all, for two reasons:

1) the people who live above me enjoy dragging large objects across the floor and stomping around like rhinos, especially at 10:30 pm and 1:15 am.
2) i was thinking about how i can knit more often, and what i want to make.

combined, these two reasons meant that every time i calmed my mind down enough to drift off to sleep, the Loud People Upstairs began to frolick about. about the time they quieted down, i would be halfway to being able to quit my day job and make a living by selling my knitted goods. in my mind.

if only i could knit and make things for a living. i know i've said before that i wouldn't like to be my own boss, and i think running a business would be a pain... but i would like to make things all the time, and if i could make even just a little money from doing it, that would make me so happy. i love being a nanny, but there are some very stressful and exhausting parts of my job that sometimes are enough to make me want to give up, if i could. it's not like motherhood - there's no unbreakable bond, and you don't have the final say.

this has been a hard week, but - and as pathetic as this sounds - having some time to knit and just think about things has really helped me get by. don't misunderstand: i do like my job, and it's exactly what i wanted. i'm just really exhausted lately. my mama said something really wise to me yesterday: "lindsay," she said, "just remember that god sent you to this little girl to love her when her parents aren't around, so if you give up, who will love her?" then she said, "but leave your love at work. she's not yours, so just leave your love there."

so here's to everything having a place, and to letting things rest where they land.

i ordered these from kgarnerdesigns on etsy for my wedding day, and i'm so excited!

i am loving etsy! i admire all the sellers who are successful there, and shamefully, i want all the things they're selling, which makes me know that they're good at what they do. like this necklace. and how cute is THIS?

anyway, this post is going nowhere. today is such a blehhhh sort of day.

even the 3 wolves have a market

a week or so ago, allison miller posted this link on twitter:
3 wolves shirt

it changed my life.

well, actually, i laughed for three whole minutes on a friday night. however, i was alone in my apartment, so laughing out loud was kind of ridiculous, if not life-changing.

i've been thinking a lot about being relevant lately. i know, 3 wolves shirt doesn't really scream relevance. but i'd love to jump into the internet and be relevant in some niche of my own. there's not really anything that hasn't been done before, so i'm not going for new and different. i'd prefer to be old and comfortable, like sweats that everyone has about 9 pairs of, because they're so great and they need all 9 pairs. there's always room for tried and true.

so, i'm thinking of tried and true areas of the internet:
1) politics. (i'm not really radical enough)
2) nerds. (not into video games enough.)
3) pets. (ahhhhh cat lady? NO)
4) cooking. (i guess i could fit in the "comedy cooking failure" section)
5) celebrity news (too far away from hollywood or new york)

anyway, i haven't landed anywhere yet. i've been wishing for my entire life that being heartfelt and honest would be enough, but i know it's not. 22 years has taught me that much. it's not so much the adolescent desire to "fit in" somewhere, as much as the "business school taught me the basics of marketing" and now i know i need a market.

let's be honest; we're all looking for a market.

it was about pink and black.

yesterday, i thought i lost one of my size 17 pink and black plastic knitting needles. i was almost glad, even though it meant not knitting for a few days, because it gave me an excuse to finally get some of these:


anyway. i later found it, under the back seat of my car. despite all the years these plastic needles have brought me through, i can't find it in my heart to even like them. they're hideous, and guaranteed not to match any project i might be working on. plus, they're plastic. they're really more suitable for the baby to chew on, except that they might teach her that pink and black is a good color combination.

in other news, i'm walking to work tomorrow. sometimes, i really do feel like meg ryan in "you've got mail." if only, right?