those sparrows.

as the birth day gets closer and closer, i find myself feeling less and less in a hurry to get everything done. maybe i've realized that it's not the end of my life. haha! or maybe, i'm just getting lazier. either way, i've got 3 knitting projects in the works... 2 for baby and one for me. or maybe for someone else. there are a myriad of household chores i'd like to get done before the baby comes. but, as i'm sitting here, in the humid, but sort of pleasant, air-conditioning-free air inside our apartment i think i'm actually doing enough by just not having the air conditioning on yet. (it's 730, and still only 79 outside.... a july miracle!!)

i've just finished one of my ill-advised looks at our financial situation, and now i'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.

"so then, do not worry about what tomorrow will bring, for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of its own."

there is never a time when that passage in matthew doesn't bring me to a place of humble acceptance and appreciation for today. i think that although jesus is saying that each day is its own trouble (hah!) he is also asking us to look at today: because at the root of worry is the fear that something bad is about to happen... and if we stop worrying about the piano that is maybe about to drop on our heads, we might find that today is beautiful.

today is beautiful. the fresh air flowing through our apartment. the last of the orange juice in my glass. hanging clothes on the line to dry. today, we have enough. it's friday. (tomorrow is saturday... thanks rebecca black.) "the borrowers aloft" in my library book basket. micah kicking and wiggling in my belly. today is the perfect amount of what we need, today.

tomorrow? well, tomorrow will worry about itself, because by tomorrow i'll being making a new list of why today is so beautiful.

just some thoughts.

i've been reading the blog at simplehomeschool.net lately, as i try to really understand my own feelings about how i'd want to educate our son. i was, of course, homeschooled from first grade through high school, so i have a positive view of the whole institution, but i guess i still feel a little insecure about even thinking about trying it 5 years from now. one of the things that has always been a pet peeve of mine is people constantly worrying about homeschooled kids not being properly "socialized". which i guess has always fed into my insecurity about myself: "am i a weirdo because i didn't go to a public school?"

the blog ladies had this to say about this common criticism:

"If you have friends and family who are unfamiliar with homeschooling you may have heard this most annoying of questions, “But what about socialization?”

The goal of growing up is not to become socialized (what does that mean anyway?) but to have healthy relationships with people. People of all ages, not just your peer group."

which was immensely comforting to me, especially as i can remember looking at some of the kids in my high school youth group, and even a lot of the people at my college, and later into adulthood, and longing to be a part of the "group", but constantly being an outsider because i didn't fit into their mold. had i not been raised to have healthy relationships with others, i may have tried extra hard to fit myself into it, much to my detriment. fitting in and having a group, while these are what society says are healthy "social skills", are not what i would consider healthy relationships, and i think that my parents' decision to school my brother and me at home have helped me grow up into a person who can feel confident in my varied and diverse group of friends.

yes, i said "underpants" in that last post.

just wanted to clear that up.

LAZY SUNDAY. i mean wednesday.

since the days of summer are definitely in full swing, i thought i should document possibly my last lazy summer ever. (yes, yes, i admit, my attitude about "BIRTH DAY" is a little glass half-empty, the world is ending... sometimes.) with preschool only in session 2 days a week, and only 3 weeks a month in the summer, i have lots of extra time. i've decided that i will not try to become super woman and deep clean my apartment once a week. instead, i will laze about and knit. i've also become quite dedicated to drying all our clothes on our little clothes line in the back yard of our building. (the jury is still out on how our neighbors feel about this... they said it's fine, but .... you know, people tend to lie about stuff like that. at the very least, though, i do dry all our underpants in the dryer.)

me with my babies from the school year. all except one have now moved on. LOVE MY BABIES!

anyway, on today's agenda:

- hang out clothes to dry.

- go buy milk and bread. (our summer menu has been 80% sandwiches and 20% milk.)

- oh, and blueberries.

- possibly sweep the floors. but maybe not.

- knit.

- watch the O.C. yes, i know, i'm 24. but this is serious. i may never get to watch it again, since i firmly believe it's not appropriate for children.

- another thing i find inappropriate for children: "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" by Jeff Kinney. it's hilarious, yes, but that Greg kid, HE ALWAYS GETS AWAY WITH BEING SELFISH. it's a terrible example for kids. they should be reading quality books like "The Borrowers" (Mary Norton) or "The Boxcar Children" or "Hank the Cowdog". seriously, "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" teaches kids that it's okay to lie and cheat as long as they don't get caught. All these other books, they teach that lying and cheating and otherwise being selfish is never okay, because it's not RIGHT. /end rant.

- at 3 pm, go to work for 4 hours. yes, i am living the life.

some other things. at 4:51 am.

it's not often that i take to my blog at 4:51 in the morning, but here i am. actually, i think it would be safe to say that i never take to my blog at this hour. okay, so i pretty much just never take to my blog. anyway, you get it.

so, here i am, 4:51, awake, vaguely hungry, and wondering if any thoughts i have at this hour are valid, since usually my mind isn't at its best right now.

right now:

- glad that little micah is my constant companion. his movements and jabs in my ribs are really amazing, and what started as a complete accident (that's right: we didn't mean to have a baby 1.5 short years after our marriage) is now one of the best things that god has ever given me.
- for once, not stressed about finances. nothing has changed, except for my realization that god promised to take care of his children, and he really REALLY meant it.
- hungry.
- finding that although i can pray for those i care about and worry about, i, in my selfishness, can't find complete rest in my silent pleas to god, because i'm constantly wondering if things will ever be the same between us. and also, if it won't, is that my fault? if only i had ...... done what? not done that?
- thinking about the realities of true friendship, and how jesus says to be a friend. (70 times 7, he says. love one another, he says.)
- hoping that i can ever, with his help, be that kind of friend.
- reminiscing about how, for so long, i blamed my troubles on the state of alabama. i'd like to take this opportunity to go ahead and admit that all of my troubles have been self-created.
- knowing that in the coming weeks, (i've got 10 left until my due date) and months, i am going to really need friends in a way i'm not sure i ever have.
- feeling confused and a little alone, but thankful for the many people i know god has put in my life especially for this special time.

i think i should end now. in part because my mind is getting a little foggy, and also, my tummy is getting increasingly obnoxious. micah is not even awake (it's really cool how i can now tell when he's awake and asleep, based on his movements... and also a kind of sense i have... did you know that babies feel their mother's emotions when they're in the belly? it's something related to the emotion hormones that my body passes on to him, when i'm happy, sad, angry, excited, etc. i've always known babies pick up on emotion early, but i had no idea it started before birth), and he is demanding food. let's hope this does not continue on after birth.

some things.

facing my new reality:

- eating is a now a major and time-consuming part of my day. in the past, hunger was just an annoyance to be ignored until i had time to eat. now, i feel guilty if i don't eat when i'm hungry, just in case the baby is in need of some nutrients THAT VERY SECOND. also, if i don't give him all his nutrients, he'll take it from the stored nutrients in my bones, which will end badly for me later in life, when my brittle bones break and crack.

- sitting for a long time: not a good idea. which, for me, is a little heartbreaking, because that seriously cuts in on my knitting time, which is quickly coming to a close, since i am trying to accept that after the baby comes, i may never knit again. (i approach his birthday with an equal mix of "the end of the world is coming..." and "BEST DAY EVER!!!" this knitting problem falls under the end of the world category.

- i always thought feeling sexy was irrelevant, and the marketing campaigns aimed at moms confused me. i thought to myself, "women are naturally sexy, and what difference does being a mom make?" now i get it. although my husband would argue, there is nothing sexy about being pregnant, and also, the reality is that i will never be the same after this. sure, my boobs are huge, but so is my belly. if i'm turning heads, it's because people think i'm way too young to be pregnant, and they're judging me. that, or they heard my stomach growling from across the building.

- here's a real truth that i've been sort of keeping to myself: i'm the first of my friends to have a baby. which leaves me in this situation: in order to stay relevant with my current friends and avoid growing apart, i must put my baby aside as much as i can, which is already going to be difficult as i'm finding i'll have to put him aside pretty often just to keep my job. or, i can find new friends who already have babies. on the off-chance that any of my friends ever read this, let's be honest: nobody likes that person who only talks about their baby or their kids, when you have neither. it's like listening to someone's stories about their trip to their grandma's house that lasted 5 years. i get it.

so, those are just a few a the things i've been wrestling with lately. on the bright side, however, i have finished a lot of really cute things in the baby's room.

we repainted that dresser, and the quilt on the wall is a growth chart that i made, following the pattern from the student teacher blog. i'll embroider his name at the top, and then embroider his measurements starting at the bottom and growing with him. at least, that's the plan. i might end up just writing the measurements on a post it note until he's 10 and then doing all the embroidery at once, hahaha.

this is a little hat. the colors in the photo really don't do it justice, because that yarn is probably the most beautiful yarn i've ever had. oh man. probably gonna make a little short sleeved sweater out of the rest of it, to go with the hat.

and, here's a jacket. it really needs a zipper, i guess, but i bought the wrong type and havent had the energy to go buy another one, and plus, fiddling with zippers on babies.... who needs it?

so there's that. see y'all in another 2 months.