it's not often that i take to my blog at 4:51 in the morning, but here i am. actually, i think it would be safe to say that i never take to my blog at this hour. okay, so i pretty much just never take to my blog. anyway, you get it.
so, here i am, 4:51, awake, vaguely hungry, and wondering if any thoughts i have at this hour are valid, since usually my mind isn't at its best right now.
- glad that little micah is my constant companion. his movements and jabs in my ribs are really amazing, and what started as a complete accident (that's right: we didn't mean to have a baby 1.5 short years after our marriage) is now one of the best things that god has ever given me.
- for once, not stressed about finances. nothing has changed, except for my realization that god promised to take care of his children, and he really REALLY meant it.
- finding that although i can pray for those i care about and worry about, i, in my selfishness, can't find complete rest in my silent pleas to god, because i'm constantly wondering if things will ever be the same between us. and also, if it won't, is that my fault? if only i had ...... done what? not done that?
- thinking about the realities of true friendship, and how jesus says to be a friend. (70 times 7, he says. love one another, he says.)
- hoping that i can ever, with his help, be that kind of friend.
- reminiscing about how, for so long, i blamed my troubles on the state of alabama. i'd like to take this opportunity to go ahead and admit that all of my troubles have been self-created.
- knowing that in the coming weeks, (i've got 10 left until my due date) and months, i am going to really need friends in a way i'm not sure i ever have.
- feeling confused and a little alone, but thankful for the many people i know god has put in my life especially for this special time.
i think i should end now. in part because my mind is getting a little foggy, and also, my tummy is getting increasingly obnoxious. micah is not even awake (it's really cool how i can now tell when he's awake and asleep, based on his movements... and also a kind of sense i have... did you know that babies feel their mother's emotions when they're in the belly? it's something related to the emotion hormones that my body passes on to him, when i'm happy, sad, angry, excited, etc. i've always known babies pick up on emotion early, but i had no idea it started before birth), and he is demanding food. let's hope this does not continue on after birth.