Friday, January 8, 2010

relevance and old hags

i was thinking today, as i drove home from the mechanic, who is now richer than he was before, about relevance, and the difference between being single and being a couple. in college, there was all this discussion amongst the girls about how the girls with fiances or boyfriends or husbands just can't understand what it's like for a single girl in the world, and how they just aren't relevant to the conversation that's happening between all the single girls.

i think that's a load of crap.

maybe some girls choose not to remember or lend a sympathetic ear to the girls who don't have a man, but that doesn't mean that once you slip that wedding ring on, you just become an old hag, destined to discuss curtain colors and the differences between pampers and huggies with similar old hags who have lost their ability to shave.

(ironically, i'm sitting on my unmade bed, wearing a really non-sexy bathrobe/3 shirts/saggy sweatpants/pompom hat/slippers ensemble, having not shaved for at least a week. so remember: i am that hypocritical girl who thinks she's still relevant, but has all the appearances of having become an old hag already, after a month or so of marriage.)

i was listening to a taylor swift song today, and remembering how it feels to be in love with someone who doesn't even know you exist, and how that feeling is like ... the worst feeling in the world ... but also one of the most precious, because it's just so hopeful and hopeless at the same time, and it's an enigma, and after a while, you never feel it again. so that made me think that i do still know what it's like to be single, and i do know what it's like to be on your own.

i think the worst thing about all this thinking, though, is that i do know it, but i bet my single friends would never believe me, and now i'm out of the club because i'm married. just like i was out of the married club until now. i still identify with the single club more though, because the married people are all about children.... and i don't have children, or even want them at this point.

anyway, i say all this to say that i wish it wasn't about married or single. i've lived on my own, and it is lonely! i remember! but sometimes, even after marriage, even marriage to my best friend, the sort of marriage where i can't think of a single reason why i would want to go back, i'm still lonely sometimes. being married doesn't fix everything. i'm not sure loneliness is even something that can be fixed. the older i get, the more i think that being lonely is just a part of life. like maybe god gave us this feeling of being too alone because he wants us to be motivated to get up and do something. or get up and say a few words to him.

"hey, god. i miss you. i miss everyone. i feel kind of alone, and lost. thanks for andrew and for leah and for my family. i have a good life and i know you've always been right here, providing for me. thanks."

1 comment:

  1. HEY! I didn't know you had a secret blog. But I added it to my Google Reader now, so I can see on my homepage whenever you post :D.

    "i still identify with the single club more though, because the married people are all about children.... and i don't have children, or even want them at this point."

    ^ I feel the same way too. But I think you are around more of the Baby Bug people than I am, especially since you're still acclimating to the city you live in. We've talked about this.

    And it does suck to be sitting there like, "I do remember how this feels, and I can understand, but you don't believe me, and that stinks."

    I also believe that in many situations (not all, because some are just so out of our frame of mind) that people CAN understand, sympathize and empathize with people's situations even when they haven't been through the situation. You sometimes would tell me about different things that, "I don't know, I've never been in that situation," but your advice still really helped me.

    It's sad when it seems like you're exiled from The Single Girls Club or The Married Girls Club because you're not "one of them" anymore or something.