we are having a little boy baby sometime in the fall. and well, let's face it... babies cause a few things to happen to couples:
1. two becomes three.
2. paying the doctor begins to seem synonymous with throwing money out the window to no end, because that's just how much it costs. no wonder doctors live in castles and drive fancy cars and employ 30 people just to maintain their yards.
3. in some cases, the wife becomes obsessed with being the perfect wife and mother and homemaker - and also with buying tiny outfits that serve no practical use - and the husband retreats into his work, his golf, or his book, having now been replaced with the baby.
i am hoping to avoid at least the third, having now given up on avoiding the second as well.
in fact, i am not just hoping. i am striving. for many reasons, but mostly these 2: i love my husband and he'll always be my number 1! also, the idea of me ever becoming that woman that is completely defined by her children makes me feel sick. i like to think that i've had practice living my own life, outside of the world of babies and children, since i've been fill-in mommy/that babysitter for a while now. i'm sure, as many have told me - ad nauseam, i might add.... give it a rest! - "it's different when they're your own!" i sort of think that's just something they tell themselves about why they let themselves get that way.
i mean, i'm sure certain things are different. but A) like i don't know that already... i've been keeping children for a while now, and i do know that being a nanny is not the same thing as being a parent. for one: you don't get paid for being a parent, and you certainly don't get paid more for being a good one. and B) although being a parent will change things for me, i don't expect it will change my firm determination not to let the baby dominate my every move. i am the parent. i am in charge. i love my husband more than i love my baby. and no, i don't believe that's wrong. (well, unless he starts beating me.... then i love my baby more. but yeah, that's not gonna happen. he made me a cake today. just because he loves me.)
in conclusion: although i do get really excited over how CVS recently paid me 75 cents to buy toothpaste, i am not currently, and will not ever be that mom wearing a tennis skirt or posing on a beach with my family, who are all wearing white - which, by the way, is a terrible idea... white does not show up against white sand. WEAR A COLOR - because i think that's lame and i have better things to do. like wash my socks so i can wear them with my crocs. yeah that rhymes.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
sticks, stones, and words.
i know i so seldom update here that it's almost laughable to even keep it online, but here i am. every so often, i get an urge to bare some part of myself to the internet. i guess it's the urge of a person who really bares very little to anyone, to feel like what i think does matter.
the thing about keeping things close inside is that when someone attacks your self or your opinions, you're pretty much left with no defense unless you want to become even more vulnerable than you were before. at least, that's been my experience. and usually, i prefer to let them think they're right about me, rather than reveal the reality that they're wrong about me. because that's the thing about revealing. then they know more about you, and what if, next time, they use that new knowledge to attack in a new and more hurtful way.
of course, there are those who would argue that if you keep yourself closed for fear of being ripped apart, then you will miss the beauty of life. the beauty of vulnerability.
i have argued that before, actually. and i think that i do believe it sometimes. i look at myself and i realize that by keeping to myself, i am missing something spontaneous about the world.
sticks and stones and words and what not. words do hurt. having been the one to hurt others with my words, and having been on the receiving end of the words-like-swords, i know that i really would prefer those sticks and stones being thrown at me. slap on a band-aid, and i'll be fine. words live on forever in the mind, reappearing in moments of insecurity, to remind me that i'm not that good. not that pretty. not that nice.
so, here i am, as usual, considering the pros and cons of being vulnerable and open, as compared to the safety, but relative solitude of remaining closed.
in the end, jesus does say that he intercedes on my behalf before the father, so that i may not be condemned by those words thrown at me, so i do eventually find rest in the knowledge that he is telling my father that these accusations - imagined by myself or brought up by others with a heart not full of kindness - aren't true.
the thing about keeping things close inside is that when someone attacks your self or your opinions, you're pretty much left with no defense unless you want to become even more vulnerable than you were before. at least, that's been my experience. and usually, i prefer to let them think they're right about me, rather than reveal the reality that they're wrong about me. because that's the thing about revealing. then they know more about you, and what if, next time, they use that new knowledge to attack in a new and more hurtful way.
of course, there are those who would argue that if you keep yourself closed for fear of being ripped apart, then you will miss the beauty of life. the beauty of vulnerability.
i have argued that before, actually. and i think that i do believe it sometimes. i look at myself and i realize that by keeping to myself, i am missing something spontaneous about the world.
sticks and stones and words and what not. words do hurt. having been the one to hurt others with my words, and having been on the receiving end of the words-like-swords, i know that i really would prefer those sticks and stones being thrown at me. slap on a band-aid, and i'll be fine. words live on forever in the mind, reappearing in moments of insecurity, to remind me that i'm not that good. not that pretty. not that nice.
so, here i am, as usual, considering the pros and cons of being vulnerable and open, as compared to the safety, but relative solitude of remaining closed.
in the end, jesus does say that he intercedes on my behalf before the father, so that i may not be condemned by those words thrown at me, so i do eventually find rest in the knowledge that he is telling my father that these accusations - imagined by myself or brought up by others with a heart not full of kindness - aren't true.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
so, lately, i'm feeling really overwhelmed about stupid stuff. i mean, don't get me wrong, it's all stuff that is rather worrisome, like paying our bills and getting organized so we can move .. again. (interesting story: we moved here, thinking we'd be here for at least 2 years. one month air conditioning free - august, of course - 2 weeks without hot water - thankfully only september, not january - and seeing our ceiling go from slightly bowed to "OMG, is it going to fall today???" has made us decide to move again. there is always a reason giant apartments with W/D connections are super cheap. that's the moral of this story.) anyway, so, i'm feeling overwhelmed, and also, let's be honest, i'm feeling a lot of other emotions, bordering on the insane, but really, i know everything is fine.
god will provide for us. that is true. i know it. he shows it to me over and over. the sparrows don't go hungry, and neither will i.
feelings are fickle friends or however that rhyme goes.
i bought a wooden cabinet yesterday at the thrift store for 7 dollars, and i really feel like that is my best thrift store find ever, possibly even better than my closet full of cashmere sweaters. although i am really still in love with my sweaters.
also yesterday, i found some books my brother and i wrote as kids. HILARIOUS. "Blue Bunny and Friends" and "Meet Blue Bunny". Blue Bunny is a blue bunny (HAHA) who loves running stop lights and exploding bombs. There is also an episode where he tries to teach a class in "BunneeBon-x" (this was during the controversy over teaching "ebonics" in Georgia schools in the '90s... our mother made us listen to Rush Limbaugh on the radio in the car when we were kids).
in conclusion, nothing truly interesting is happening over here. seriously, the only reason i update this is so anna can read it, and so i don't feel like such a loser keeping my blog around just so i can use the "what i read every day" links like bookmarks.
god will provide for us. that is true. i know it. he shows it to me over and over. the sparrows don't go hungry, and neither will i.
feelings are fickle friends or however that rhyme goes.
i bought a wooden cabinet yesterday at the thrift store for 7 dollars, and i really feel like that is my best thrift store find ever, possibly even better than my closet full of cashmere sweaters. although i am really still in love with my sweaters.
also yesterday, i found some books my brother and i wrote as kids. HILARIOUS. "Blue Bunny and Friends" and "Meet Blue Bunny". Blue Bunny is a blue bunny (HAHA) who loves running stop lights and exploding bombs. There is also an episode where he tries to teach a class in "BunneeBon-x" (this was during the controversy over teaching "ebonics" in Georgia schools in the '90s... our mother made us listen to Rush Limbaugh on the radio in the car when we were kids).
in conclusion, nothing truly interesting is happening over here. seriously, the only reason i update this is so anna can read it, and so i don't feel like such a loser keeping my blog around just so i can use the "what i read every day" links like bookmarks.
Friday, January 14, 2011
go take a nap, OBVIOUSLy.
hello again, faithful readers. let me correct myself: faithful reader, named anna. ha ha. the fact that i have no faithful readers is really a dilemma of my own making:
1. i hardly ever write a blog post. this is because once i discovered that it really is hard to become a "popular blogger" or to be an "awesome blogger", possibly "top 40", i gave up, in typical perfectionist/defeatist fashion. "if i can't do it BEST or PERFECTLY, i just won't do it at all. forget trytrytrytry again. i'm going to go do something i'm already awesome at!"
2. as far as i know, almost nobody that i actually know knows about this blog. i don't tell people. i rarely tweet about it. mostly, the fact that i don't tell my mom about it keeps the readers away, because if i told my mom about this blog, she would email all her friends and i'd have a faithful following of mom-stalkers. i'm not sure i can handle that, so i don't tell her. (this has nothing to do with how much i love my mom. I LOVE HER A LOT. i'm just afraid of her hoard of friends-over-40.)
3. this is most important of all: the things i write about are interesting to very few. also, there are not very many photos, which, from what i've gathered, is a big negative in the blogosphere. quite simply, my content could stand improvement.
Oh well. now that my flaws have been acknowledged, i'll move on.
christmas happened here in alabama.
i finished the largest and most complex blanket i've ever knit, as a gift to my husband. however, i finished it today, so it isn't really a christmas gift. and no, i don't have a picture. it's blue-green, and it's big, and it's the most magnificent blanket ever.. a picture is worth a thousand words, and also about 5 minutes of my time... but i'm really quite lazy. so use your imagination, because i'm sure you haven't used it enough today. i know i sure haven't.
speaking of being unimaginative, here's a list of what i did today:
1. ate cornflakes for breakfast. talk about boring.
2. went to work at the preschool and kept some babies. this consisted of changing diapers, wiping spit, arranging blocks, feeding bottles, shushing to sleep. i guess a couple of times i might have tickled played or otherwise engaged in an imaginative activity, for the sake of the babies and their development.
3. came home to eat a healthy and delicious lunch of cheese and crackers. and chocolate. again, unimaginative... all of those things start with "ch". except for crackers, obviously.
4. went to pick up the girls from school. (by the girls, i mean my nanny-girls) sat in carpool trying to figure out a knitting pattern. following a pattern is the furthest thing from imaginative. i didn't even try to deviate from the pattern, which is very unlike me.
5. back at the girls' house, i fed them a snack of nutrition bars and water, instead of our usual snack of fruit smoothies.
6. at this point, we went and sat in the car while both girls cried about going to the park. i considered not taking them to the park, but decided to stick to my guns and take them there, despite the tears, which were, in fact, unrelated to the park itself.
7. we played at the park. this was a brief interlude where i did use my imagination.
8. i brought them back home and left them there with their father, who probably engaged in all sorts of imaginative play with them, while i drove to the grocery store.
9. at the grocery store, i bought the things on my list. i deviated only for a bottle of tomato juice and 2 grapefruits. as far as i am concerned, these are the least imaginative of foods.
10. i came home and cooked dinner from a recipe. (see #4, regarding patterns)
11. i ate my dinner while watching tv, alone. (andrew was at work.) tv kills imagination.
12. i returned to knitting from a pattern.
this brings us to now. now i am about to go put on my pajamas and go to sleep. probably, when i sleep, i will use my imagination more than i have all day. moral of this story: if you really want to be imaginative, go take a nap, and forget trying to imagine what my blanket looks like. it's not really that great anyway.
1. i hardly ever write a blog post. this is because once i discovered that it really is hard to become a "popular blogger" or to be an "awesome blogger", possibly "top 40", i gave up, in typical perfectionist/defeatist fashion. "if i can't do it BEST or PERFECTLY, i just won't do it at all. forget trytrytrytry again. i'm going to go do something i'm already awesome at!"
2. as far as i know, almost nobody that i actually know knows about this blog. i don't tell people. i rarely tweet about it. mostly, the fact that i don't tell my mom about it keeps the readers away, because if i told my mom about this blog, she would email all her friends and i'd have a faithful following of mom-stalkers. i'm not sure i can handle that, so i don't tell her. (this has nothing to do with how much i love my mom. I LOVE HER A LOT. i'm just afraid of her hoard of friends-over-40.)
3. this is most important of all: the things i write about are interesting to very few. also, there are not very many photos, which, from what i've gathered, is a big negative in the blogosphere. quite simply, my content could stand improvement.
Oh well. now that my flaws have been acknowledged, i'll move on.
christmas happened here in alabama.
i finished the largest and most complex blanket i've ever knit, as a gift to my husband. however, i finished it today, so it isn't really a christmas gift. and no, i don't have a picture. it's blue-green, and it's big, and it's the most magnificent blanket ever.. a picture is worth a thousand words, and also about 5 minutes of my time... but i'm really quite lazy. so use your imagination, because i'm sure you haven't used it enough today. i know i sure haven't.
speaking of being unimaginative, here's a list of what i did today:
1. ate cornflakes for breakfast. talk about boring.
2. went to work at the preschool and kept some babies. this consisted of changing diapers, wiping spit, arranging blocks, feeding bottles, shushing to sleep. i guess a couple of times i might have tickled played or otherwise engaged in an imaginative activity, for the sake of the babies and their development.
3. came home to eat a healthy and delicious lunch of cheese and crackers. and chocolate. again, unimaginative... all of those things start with "ch". except for crackers, obviously.
4. went to pick up the girls from school. (by the girls, i mean my nanny-girls) sat in carpool trying to figure out a knitting pattern. following a pattern is the furthest thing from imaginative. i didn't even try to deviate from the pattern, which is very unlike me.
5. back at the girls' house, i fed them a snack of nutrition bars and water, instead of our usual snack of fruit smoothies.
6. at this point, we went and sat in the car while both girls cried about going to the park. i considered not taking them to the park, but decided to stick to my guns and take them there, despite the tears, which were, in fact, unrelated to the park itself.
7. we played at the park. this was a brief interlude where i did use my imagination.
8. i brought them back home and left them there with their father, who probably engaged in all sorts of imaginative play with them, while i drove to the grocery store.
9. at the grocery store, i bought the things on my list. i deviated only for a bottle of tomato juice and 2 grapefruits. as far as i am concerned, these are the least imaginative of foods.
10. i came home and cooked dinner from a recipe. (see #4, regarding patterns)
11. i ate my dinner while watching tv, alone. (andrew was at work.) tv kills imagination.
12. i returned to knitting from a pattern.
this brings us to now. now i am about to go put on my pajamas and go to sleep. probably, when i sleep, i will use my imagination more than i have all day. moral of this story: if you really want to be imaginative, go take a nap, and forget trying to imagine what my blanket looks like. it's not really that great anyway.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
a few things.
1. if i ever had a fashion line based on my own styles, i would call it slobchic, and it would primarily revolve around the idea that wearing crocs with socks is fashionable AND comfortable. also, messy hair and white t-shirts.
2. i'm beginning to think that my recurring sinus infection/cold is not related to bacteria like my doctor says, but has more to do with my diet, which is 90% spaghetti-os and 10% vitamin c. (i take the vitamin c when i start to feel guilty over my consumption of many bowls of spaghetti-os. apparently, it has no effect in the war against mucus.)
3. i'm in mourning over the loss of my polly pockets, when i was 10 and my mom convinced me that i would never play with them again. i forgive you, mama, but i will never forget. polly is now giant sized and waaaay less fun.
2. i'm beginning to think that my recurring sinus infection/cold is not related to bacteria like my doctor says, but has more to do with my diet, which is 90% spaghetti-os and 10% vitamin c. (i take the vitamin c when i start to feel guilty over my consumption of many bowls of spaghetti-os. apparently, it has no effect in the war against mucus.)
3. i'm in mourning over the loss of my polly pockets, when i was 10 and my mom convinced me that i would never play with them again. i forgive you, mama, but i will never forget. polly is now giant sized and waaaay less fun.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
i'm in christmas card jail.
i like christmas cards. i like mailing christmas cards.
but i'm sleepy.
and i still have a few more.
now i'm just whining.
self, you know there are sad people in the world with actual stuff to complain about!
HEY, GUESS WHAT? i got a night light.
yeah, worst blog post ever.
(in other news, i'm going to portland, oregon in one week to visit my brother!!! yay.)
i like christmas cards. i like mailing christmas cards.
but i'm sleepy.
and i still have a few more.
now i'm just whining.
self, you know there are sad people in the world with actual stuff to complain about!
HEY, GUESS WHAT? i got a night light.
yeah, worst blog post ever.
(in other news, i'm going to portland, oregon in one week to visit my brother!!! yay.)
Friday, November 26, 2010
shopping? completed. here's the list of all our loot: 1 pillow, to replace andrew's "flat-low", 1 pair of boots, 1 season of "friends" on dvd (my only true desire from this day), 1 argyle sweater for my husband, the only man under 40 who likes argyle sweaters except for those who also love other men, 1 dvd of "the dark knight", 1 multi-pack of black socks for my husband who wears out socks so fast that i often think of him as a goat, and, last, but certainly not least, 1 game of monopoly.
i am unashamed to admit that only 2 of these purchases were gifts for christmas. black friday is the perfect time to buy things like pillows and socks - things that we need, and are certainly not worthy of being wrapped and given as a gift. it's weird that they were on sale, though, since this is a gift-giving holiday sale. but whatever. it worked out that i didn't want any of the things that were big gift items... ie: a tv, a wii, an xbox, a camera, a gps, an ipad. all of those things were at the center of the madhouse. pillows and socks, however, were quiet corners of tranquility in the store.
also, they were 3 dollars.
anyway, my mother and i returned unscathed, with our bags of things, expecting to see my father sitting on the couch enjoying our 3 HD channels (brought to us by our convenient situation on a hill and an antenna), drinking a beer. instead, we found him sitting at the table, reading the book about facebook (by ben mezrich), waiting on windows 7 to install on my mother's laptop. i should've known it would take longer than 3 hours to complete that. in fact, it has consumed almost 8 hours of his time today.
WHY, WINDOWS?
i know that i'm a "mac-person" now, and thus, will never understand.... but isn't there an easier way? an easy button? a windows genius somewhere? my dad is good at computers and it's taken him all day. this is how i know i would never be able to succeed at installing windows. this is also how i know i will never even try.
i am unashamed to admit that only 2 of these purchases were gifts for christmas. black friday is the perfect time to buy things like pillows and socks - things that we need, and are certainly not worthy of being wrapped and given as a gift. it's weird that they were on sale, though, since this is a gift-giving holiday sale. but whatever. it worked out that i didn't want any of the things that were big gift items... ie: a tv, a wii, an xbox, a camera, a gps, an ipad. all of those things were at the center of the madhouse. pillows and socks, however, were quiet corners of tranquility in the store.
also, they were 3 dollars.
anyway, my mother and i returned unscathed, with our bags of things, expecting to see my father sitting on the couch enjoying our 3 HD channels (brought to us by our convenient situation on a hill and an antenna), drinking a beer. instead, we found him sitting at the table, reading the book about facebook (by ben mezrich), waiting on windows 7 to install on my mother's laptop. i should've known it would take longer than 3 hours to complete that. in fact, it has consumed almost 8 hours of his time today.
WHY, WINDOWS?
i know that i'm a "mac-person" now, and thus, will never understand.... but isn't there an easier way? an easy button? a windows genius somewhere? my dad is good at computers and it's taken him all day. this is how i know i would never be able to succeed at installing windows. this is also how i know i will never even try.
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