i've been watching my parents be grandparents to my son, and it's been such a sweet time for me, not only because my baby will only be a baby for a little while, but also because i remember when i was little how my grandparents were the best to me. as i grew up, i realized that i had been blessed with grandparents who really loved me, and loved spending time with me, and that meant a lot to me.

i guess grandparents have been on my mind lately because my grandpa frank is dying. he is in the last season of his life, and it's a sad time for all of us. i took micah to visit him again last week, and i' m not sure what i was expecting, but it was a hard visit. my grandpa frank always invited me to ride along with him on errands and he took me fishing and taught me how to tie knots and he was always up to something outside... cooking fish or tinkering with fishing rods or tools or plants. i spent a good percentage of my lifetime's summers in his house.

and although the reality that micah will never know him like i knew him has always been real to me, i guess it had never sunk in until last week when i saw that my grandpa would, for real, never go fishing again. he would never take my son fishing like he took me and my brother fishing. when i realized how sad that made me, i recognized why my parents always took me and daniel to the nursing home to visit their grandparents: my great grandparents, and why that was so important to them. i wish that micah could ever know grandpa frank like i know him. i wish that he would get to do all the things i got to.

so, one life is ending and another is just beginning. it doesn't make it any easier. nothing makes this any easier. let's all be honest about grief. nothing makes grief easier. it is hard. i don't think i'll ever stop missing my great grandparents (who i did have the blessing of knowing, well into my adult life) who are now with jesus. and i know i'll never stop missing grandpa frank, when his time to go home to jesus is here. i am so thankful for his life, though.

he came. he's beautiful. i now spend all my free moments knitting or staring at his adorable little face. i can't describe how motherhood has changed my life. check back in ten years, because i think that's how long it will take me to collect my thoughts.

tut tut. looks like rain.

well, here we are... down to the wire of the baby due date. one week. i really want to just launch into labor right now - i'm getting a little impatient. not just due to the realities of being 30 pounds heavier and about that much more tired and hungry... but also, i just want to hold my son and be a baby pig and not share him with all the clamoring masses. (i imagine clamoring masses because i am a typical parent and i believe that everyone wants to hold my baby because clearly, he is the best baby ever born, and HOW COULD THEY NOT WANT THAT?)

all the clothes are washed, the floors are clean, i'm blocking my newly-finished knitting projects. quite simply, everything is finished and ready for micah's arrival. also, i am supposed to work late tomorrow, so it would be great if today was the day, so i can skip out on that. ha ha. no, i like my job. but really. if it's gonna happen this week, today or tomorrow would be great. not saturday or sunday.

oh, you know how babies do, though. micah's probably busy storing up some iron and taking all the calcium from my bones, waiting until october 1st to come on out. and i guess that's fine and all... if he needs the nutrients; what kind of mother would i be to withhold? well, anyway, i guess this post is really just to tell my readership (my mom, sister-in-law, and anna? HAH) that i haven't birthed my baby yet.

also, it's really windy here in alabama.

those sparrows.

as the birth day gets closer and closer, i find myself feeling less and less in a hurry to get everything done. maybe i've realized that it's not the end of my life. haha! or maybe, i'm just getting lazier. either way, i've got 3 knitting projects in the works... 2 for baby and one for me. or maybe for someone else. there are a myriad of household chores i'd like to get done before the baby comes. but, as i'm sitting here, in the humid, but sort of pleasant, air-conditioning-free air inside our apartment i think i'm actually doing enough by just not having the air conditioning on yet. (it's 730, and still only 79 outside.... a july miracle!!)

i've just finished one of my ill-advised looks at our financial situation, and now i'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.

"so then, do not worry about what tomorrow will bring, for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of its own."

there is never a time when that passage in matthew doesn't bring me to a place of humble acceptance and appreciation for today. i think that although jesus is saying that each day is its own trouble (hah!) he is also asking us to look at today: because at the root of worry is the fear that something bad is about to happen... and if we stop worrying about the piano that is maybe about to drop on our heads, we might find that today is beautiful.

today is beautiful. the fresh air flowing through our apartment. the last of the orange juice in my glass. hanging clothes on the line to dry. today, we have enough. it's friday. (tomorrow is saturday... thanks rebecca black.) "the borrowers aloft" in my library book basket. micah kicking and wiggling in my belly. today is the perfect amount of what we need, today.

tomorrow? well, tomorrow will worry about itself, because by tomorrow i'll being making a new list of why today is so beautiful.

just some thoughts.

i've been reading the blog at simplehomeschool.net lately, as i try to really understand my own feelings about how i'd want to educate our son. i was, of course, homeschooled from first grade through high school, so i have a positive view of the whole institution, but i guess i still feel a little insecure about even thinking about trying it 5 years from now. one of the things that has always been a pet peeve of mine is people constantly worrying about homeschooled kids not being properly "socialized". which i guess has always fed into my insecurity about myself: "am i a weirdo because i didn't go to a public school?"

the blog ladies had this to say about this common criticism:

"If you have friends and family who are unfamiliar with homeschooling you may have heard this most annoying of questions, “But what about socialization?”

The goal of growing up is not to become socialized (what does that mean anyway?) but to have healthy relationships with people. People of all ages, not just your peer group."

which was immensely comforting to me, especially as i can remember looking at some of the kids in my high school youth group, and even a lot of the people at my college, and later into adulthood, and longing to be a part of the "group", but constantly being an outsider because i didn't fit into their mold. had i not been raised to have healthy relationships with others, i may have tried extra hard to fit myself into it, much to my detriment. fitting in and having a group, while these are what society says are healthy "social skills", are not what i would consider healthy relationships, and i think that my parents' decision to school my brother and me at home have helped me grow up into a person who can feel confident in my varied and diverse group of friends.

yes, i said "underpants" in that last post.

just wanted to clear that up.

LAZY SUNDAY. i mean wednesday.

since the days of summer are definitely in full swing, i thought i should document possibly my last lazy summer ever. (yes, yes, i admit, my attitude about "BIRTH DAY" is a little glass half-empty, the world is ending... sometimes.) with preschool only in session 2 days a week, and only 3 weeks a month in the summer, i have lots of extra time. i've decided that i will not try to become super woman and deep clean my apartment once a week. instead, i will laze about and knit. i've also become quite dedicated to drying all our clothes on our little clothes line in the back yard of our building. (the jury is still out on how our neighbors feel about this... they said it's fine, but .... you know, people tend to lie about stuff like that. at the very least, though, i do dry all our underpants in the dryer.)

me with my babies from the school year. all except one have now moved on. LOVE MY BABIES!

anyway, on today's agenda:

- hang out clothes to dry.

- go buy milk and bread. (our summer menu has been 80% sandwiches and 20% milk.)

- oh, and blueberries.

- possibly sweep the floors. but maybe not.

- knit.

- watch the O.C. yes, i know, i'm 24. but this is serious. i may never get to watch it again, since i firmly believe it's not appropriate for children.

- another thing i find inappropriate for children: "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" by Jeff Kinney. it's hilarious, yes, but that Greg kid, HE ALWAYS GETS AWAY WITH BEING SELFISH. it's a terrible example for kids. they should be reading quality books like "The Borrowers" (Mary Norton) or "The Boxcar Children" or "Hank the Cowdog". seriously, "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" teaches kids that it's okay to lie and cheat as long as they don't get caught. All these other books, they teach that lying and cheating and otherwise being selfish is never okay, because it's not RIGHT. /end rant.

- at 3 pm, go to work for 4 hours. yes, i am living the life.