yes, i said "underpants" in that last post.

just wanted to clear that up.

LAZY SUNDAY. i mean wednesday.

since the days of summer are definitely in full swing, i thought i should document possibly my last lazy summer ever. (yes, yes, i admit, my attitude about "BIRTH DAY" is a little glass half-empty, the world is ending... sometimes.) with preschool only in session 2 days a week, and only 3 weeks a month in the summer, i have lots of extra time. i've decided that i will not try to become super woman and deep clean my apartment once a week. instead, i will laze about and knit. i've also become quite dedicated to drying all our clothes on our little clothes line in the back yard of our building. (the jury is still out on how our neighbors feel about this... they said it's fine, but .... you know, people tend to lie about stuff like that. at the very least, though, i do dry all our underpants in the dryer.)

me with my babies from the school year. all except one have now moved on. LOVE MY BABIES!

anyway, on today's agenda:

- hang out clothes to dry.

- go buy milk and bread. (our summer menu has been 80% sandwiches and 20% milk.)

- oh, and blueberries.

- possibly sweep the floors. but maybe not.

- knit.

- watch the O.C. yes, i know, i'm 24. but this is serious. i may never get to watch it again, since i firmly believe it's not appropriate for children.

- another thing i find inappropriate for children: "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" by Jeff Kinney. it's hilarious, yes, but that Greg kid, HE ALWAYS GETS AWAY WITH BEING SELFISH. it's a terrible example for kids. they should be reading quality books like "The Borrowers" (Mary Norton) or "The Boxcar Children" or "Hank the Cowdog". seriously, "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" teaches kids that it's okay to lie and cheat as long as they don't get caught. All these other books, they teach that lying and cheating and otherwise being selfish is never okay, because it's not RIGHT. /end rant.

- at 3 pm, go to work for 4 hours. yes, i am living the life.

some other things. at 4:51 am.

it's not often that i take to my blog at 4:51 in the morning, but here i am. actually, i think it would be safe to say that i never take to my blog at this hour. okay, so i pretty much just never take to my blog. anyway, you get it.

so, here i am, 4:51, awake, vaguely hungry, and wondering if any thoughts i have at this hour are valid, since usually my mind isn't at its best right now.

right now:

- glad that little micah is my constant companion. his movements and jabs in my ribs are really amazing, and what started as a complete accident (that's right: we didn't mean to have a baby 1.5 short years after our marriage) is now one of the best things that god has ever given me.
- for once, not stressed about finances. nothing has changed, except for my realization that god promised to take care of his children, and he really REALLY meant it.
- hungry.
- finding that although i can pray for those i care about and worry about, i, in my selfishness, can't find complete rest in my silent pleas to god, because i'm constantly wondering if things will ever be the same between us. and also, if it won't, is that my fault? if only i had ...... done what? not done that?
- thinking about the realities of true friendship, and how jesus says to be a friend. (70 times 7, he says. love one another, he says.)
- hoping that i can ever, with his help, be that kind of friend.
- reminiscing about how, for so long, i blamed my troubles on the state of alabama. i'd like to take this opportunity to go ahead and admit that all of my troubles have been self-created.
- knowing that in the coming weeks, (i've got 10 left until my due date) and months, i am going to really need friends in a way i'm not sure i ever have.
- feeling confused and a little alone, but thankful for the many people i know god has put in my life especially for this special time.

i think i should end now. in part because my mind is getting a little foggy, and also, my tummy is getting increasingly obnoxious. micah is not even awake (it's really cool how i can now tell when he's awake and asleep, based on his movements... and also a kind of sense i have... did you know that babies feel their mother's emotions when they're in the belly? it's something related to the emotion hormones that my body passes on to him, when i'm happy, sad, angry, excited, etc. i've always known babies pick up on emotion early, but i had no idea it started before birth), and he is demanding food. let's hope this does not continue on after birth.

some things.

facing my new reality:

- eating is a now a major and time-consuming part of my day. in the past, hunger was just an annoyance to be ignored until i had time to eat. now, i feel guilty if i don't eat when i'm hungry, just in case the baby is in need of some nutrients THAT VERY SECOND. also, if i don't give him all his nutrients, he'll take it from the stored nutrients in my bones, which will end badly for me later in life, when my brittle bones break and crack.

- sitting for a long time: not a good idea. which, for me, is a little heartbreaking, because that seriously cuts in on my knitting time, which is quickly coming to a close, since i am trying to accept that after the baby comes, i may never knit again. (i approach his birthday with an equal mix of "the end of the world is coming..." and "BEST DAY EVER!!!" this knitting problem falls under the end of the world category.

- i always thought feeling sexy was irrelevant, and the marketing campaigns aimed at moms confused me. i thought to myself, "women are naturally sexy, and what difference does being a mom make?" now i get it. although my husband would argue, there is nothing sexy about being pregnant, and also, the reality is that i will never be the same after this. sure, my boobs are huge, but so is my belly. if i'm turning heads, it's because people think i'm way too young to be pregnant, and they're judging me. that, or they heard my stomach growling from across the building.

- here's a real truth that i've been sort of keeping to myself: i'm the first of my friends to have a baby. which leaves me in this situation: in order to stay relevant with my current friends and avoid growing apart, i must put my baby aside as much as i can, which is already going to be difficult as i'm finding i'll have to put him aside pretty often just to keep my job. or, i can find new friends who already have babies. on the off-chance that any of my friends ever read this, let's be honest: nobody likes that person who only talks about their baby or their kids, when you have neither. it's like listening to someone's stories about their trip to their grandma's house that lasted 5 years. i get it.

so, those are just a few a the things i've been wrestling with lately. on the bright side, however, i have finished a lot of really cute things in the baby's room.

we repainted that dresser, and the quilt on the wall is a growth chart that i made, following the pattern from the student teacher blog. i'll embroider his name at the top, and then embroider his measurements starting at the bottom and growing with him. at least, that's the plan. i might end up just writing the measurements on a post it note until he's 10 and then doing all the embroidery at once, hahaha.

this is a little hat. the colors in the photo really don't do it justice, because that yarn is probably the most beautiful yarn i've ever had. oh man. probably gonna make a little short sleeved sweater out of the rest of it, to go with the hat.

and, here's a jacket. it really needs a zipper, i guess, but i bought the wrong type and havent had the energy to go buy another one, and plus, fiddling with zippers on babies.... who needs it?

so there's that. see y'all in another 2 months.

danger... crafts.

first, i would like to say that while being pregnant is a magical time and whatnot, i really feel more like a ticking timebomb and i find myself trying to do everything i've ever wanted to do "before the baby's born". which is fast approaching... in september. sadly, i've not accomplished much on my list, because being pregnant is really time consuming: after i account for all that time spent at the doctor, i have to figure out a way to pay for all the doctors, which means more working, and then after all that working, i'm so tired i need a nap and another snack... so that leaves about 14 minutes per day to pursue my dreams. ;)

of course, lately, as always, my dreams have revolved around all the knitting i want to do in my life. sweaters i want to make for andrew and for me, plus my little boy, plus presents for other people, and decorations for my apartment. i've really had to tone down my knitting goals, because while knitting is certainly a satisfying craft, it's not quick.

anyway, i have been really obsessed with this collection of knitting patterns. i want them all. i want to knit the whole collection. rebecca danger is probably my knitting hero.




because how cute is that?

at once point, in my effort to crazily avoid the $6 pattern price (which i realize is very cheap of me.... and this woman writes her patterns to help support her family, which i am all about... let's blame the pregnancy for my petty penny pinching) i thought to myself, "maybe i can figure out how to knit that without the pattern." WHICH IS SILLY. maybe if it was crochet, i could figure it out, but knitting is like a mysterious beast that will not just reveal its secrets via picture. in the case of a knitting pattern, a picture is not worth a thousand words, because a picture cannot teach you how to recreate the adorable stuffed animal.

i know one day soon, i will purchase a pattern from this shop and i will happily begin knitting 1000 stuffed monsters for everyone i know. so until then, i'm just trying to decide which one i want.

looks like my 14 minutes are up.

wear a color for your beach photos. NOT WHITE.

we are having a little boy baby sometime in the fall. and well, let's face it... babies cause a few things to happen to couples:

1. two becomes three.
2. paying the doctor begins to seem synonymous with throwing money out the window to no end, because that's just how much it costs. no wonder doctors live in castles and drive fancy cars and employ 30 people just to maintain their yards.
3. in some cases, the wife becomes obsessed with being the perfect wife and mother and homemaker - and also with buying tiny outfits that serve no practical use - and the husband retreats into his work, his golf, or his book, having now been replaced with the baby.

i am hoping to avoid at least the third, having now given up on avoiding the second as well.

in fact, i am not just hoping. i am striving. for many reasons, but mostly these 2: i love my husband and he'll always be my number 1! also, the idea of me ever becoming that woman that is completely defined by her children makes me feel sick. i like to think that i've had practice living my own life, outside of the world of babies and children, since i've been fill-in mommy/that babysitter for a while now. i'm sure, as many have told me - ad nauseam, i might add.... give it a rest! - "it's different when they're your own!" i sort of think that's just something they tell themselves about why they let themselves get that way.

i mean, i'm sure certain things are different. but A) like i don't know that already... i've been keeping children for a while now, and i do know that being a nanny is not the same thing as being a parent. for one: you don't get paid for being a parent, and you certainly don't get paid more for being a good one. and B) although being a parent will change things for me, i don't expect it will change my firm determination not to let the baby dominate my every move. i am the parent. i am in charge. i love my husband more than i love my baby. and no, i don't believe that's wrong. (well, unless he starts beating me.... then i love my baby more. but yeah, that's not gonna happen. he made me a cake today. just because he loves me.)

in conclusion: although i do get really excited over how CVS recently paid me 75 cents to buy toothpaste, i am not currently, and will not ever be that mom wearing a tennis skirt or posing on a beach with my family, who are all wearing white - which, by the way, is a terrible idea... white does not show up against white sand. WEAR A COLOR - because i think that's lame and i have better things to do. like wash my socks so i can wear them with my crocs. yeah that rhymes.

sticks, stones, and words.

i know i so seldom update here that it's almost laughable to even keep it online, but here i am. every so often, i get an urge to bare some part of myself to the internet. i guess it's the urge of a person who really bares very little to anyone, to feel like what i think does matter.

the thing about keeping things close inside is that when someone attacks your self or your opinions, you're pretty much left with no defense unless you want to become even more vulnerable than you were before. at least, that's been my experience. and usually, i prefer to let them think they're right about me, rather than reveal the reality that they're wrong about me. because that's the thing about revealing. then they know more about you, and what if, next time, they use that new knowledge to attack in a new and more hurtful way.

of course, there are those who would argue that if you keep yourself closed for fear of being ripped apart, then you will miss the beauty of life. the beauty of vulnerability.

i have argued that before, actually. and i think that i do believe it sometimes. i look at myself and i realize that by keeping to myself, i am missing something spontaneous about the world.

sticks and stones and words and what not. words do hurt. having been the one to hurt others with my words, and having been on the receiving end of the words-like-swords, i know that i really would prefer those sticks and stones being thrown at me. slap on a band-aid, and i'll be fine. words live on forever in the mind, reappearing in moments of insecurity, to remind me that i'm not that good. not that pretty. not that nice.

so, here i am, as usual, considering the pros and cons of being vulnerable and open, as compared to the safety, but relative solitude of remaining closed.

in the end, jesus does say that he intercedes on my behalf before the father, so that i may not be condemned by those words thrown at me, so i do eventually find rest in the knowledge that he is telling my father that these accusations - imagined by myself or brought up by others with a heart not full of kindness - aren't true.